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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Butt Dialing Gone Wrong

Last week I had to stay late for a work function and took a later train home…the 9:40pm train. I got to the train station and it was empty compared to what I am used to. When the train boarded, hardly anyone came on. I sat down and immediately after I sat down, a girl sat down in the seat across from me. Her phone was to her ear and her chin was dropped.

She sat there like that for a good 5 minutes. She hung up the phone and started calling someone else.

“You’re a f*cking idiot!” she says to the phone.

“Why? Oh…because I just got your entire conversation on my voice mail! Is SHE why you aren’t picking me up at the train station? Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about! IT’S ON MY VOICE Mail!!! I heard it all! It’s on my voice mail. You talked about how you are using me and seeing some other hot girl…I HEARD IT ALL!!” she is screaming and almost to tears!

This idiot, I am assuming tries to plead with her because she is silent for a bit.

“Pick me up at the train station! I worked all day. I worked late. I pay for everything, the least you can do is pick me up so I don’t have to take a taxi home….I don’t care if you have plans… with HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR…figure it out!”

And this went on and on until I got off the train. She must have been getting off in Lowell because she was still on the train when I got off.

And that my friends, is a butt dial gone completely wrong!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Penis Phone Guy

Don’t worry! That’s just my phone!

I get into a SPT (Sardine Packed Train) this morning. This one girl behind me is like “Can you people push in more? I can’t wait 8 minutes!” So, she pushes her way on to the train and I get backed up against this guy in a sweatshirt (hoodie up) and huge a*s sunglasses on. We go all the way to Haymarket when all of a sudden I feel something pop up against my back. He whispers to me all creepy like “Don’t worry! That’s just my phone!”

Riiiiiiiiiight! I don’t know what kind of phones you have buddy but I am pretty sure they don’t just pop up out of nowhere in the shape of your penis! Just sayin’!

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to engage in any way with this creep and try to remember, where in my purse, my pepper spray is located.  Just after this creepy encounter I hear the conductor say “Due to a Medical Emergency, we will remain here until further notice.” GREEEEAT! Now I am stuck up against this creepy penis phone guy until this “medical emergency” is cleared.

Another guy next to me, checks his phone (not his penis phone…his real slim smart phone). He says “I hate to be a pain but I have to get off and try to make my meeting.” He gets off the train which alleviates some room and I get to move away from penis phone guy and give him a death look until we get to State.

When we get to State, he has to get off the train to let me off, when I do, I give him one of those “accidentally/on purpose” shoulder slams and give him one more death look for good measure.

Ohh the joys of public commuting!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Running Like Animals From a Tsunami

This morning I get to the train station and am waiting patiently inside on the inbound side when all of a sudden I see people darting out to the platform. I hang back like I usually do since it is 12 degrees out and I know that I will get a seat so there isn’t a point in going outside to freeze my a*s off to wait in a line. A few people usually wait with me so I am not the only one with this tactic. However, today, everyone started running like animals seeking higher ground right before a tsunami. I look outside and see that the train is on the wrong side of the tracks and if we don’t RUN IN FRONT OF IT to cross, we will not be boarding!

I have a strict “No running in front of oncoming trains’ policy” BUUUT the train slowed down, tooted it’s horn a million and one times and allowed us to cross. After we cross, the train slowly pulls up and the doors open. I find a seat and sit down. As I sit down I see I have a new email. It’s MBTA emailing to tell me that the Lowell line is having track issues. Thanks MBTA. That info would have been useful about 10 minutes ago!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Just Choking on Some Feathers

Don't mind me. I'm just choking on some feathers!

Just when I thought the winter was coming to an end, we get hit with another storm. This morning I got in to North Station and went straight toward the T. I was on the platform and one of the first ones in line to board the train. As the train pulled up, I noticed that everyone decided to take the T this morning instead of braving the storm and walk.

A few people come out and I hop on. I honestly think I am the last person on. That is how packed in tight it was but I was wrong! OH boy was I wrong! About 5 more people piled in. As they were pushing all of us further in and deflating our goose down jackets as best they could, I inhaled a few goose down feathers as they popped out of our jackets. I start coughing because I am now choking on a feather. I go for my coffee but I can’t even bring it to my mouth it was so packed. My eyes start watering and I think I am going to die… ok maybe I am being dramatic but choking on feathers is no joke! OK!?

Somehow I manage to get the feather to my lips with my tongue and I grab it with my cashmere gloved free hand as my eyes are still watering. The cashmere left behind a little fuzz on my lipglossed lips but that’s ok…feather…gone!  After I am free from choking, I realize that I am packed in so tight that if I lifted my feet off the ground, I’d stay put. Maybe it’s the gymnast in me but I totally felt like the human structure around me was strong enough to perform acrobatics on. I refrained from doing any sort of acrobatics but I was really tempted to lift my feet just to see if I’d stay put.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Anyone Lose Their Keys

Last night, I took the Orange line over to Back Bay to meet my sister on Newbury Street. I was going to take the green line but it derailed and I didn’t feel like dealing with that sooo Orange line and a little bit of walking it was.

I get on at State and we go a few stops. It’s packed but not as packed as I am used to. I am standing in the aisle holding the railing when I look down and see this guy sitting in front of me picking his nose… I mean full out digging. It goes on too long and it is disgusting. He finally pulls his finger from him nose and flicks the boogers into the air. I mean PEOPLE!! Who the hell does that? REALLY!!

As I am ready to gag, the train stops at Tufts and people get off and then people get on. Totally normal until some guy has a set of keys in his hands and yells in from the platform “Did anyone lose their keys? You dropped them right here!” No one flinches. I look around, everyone has earbuds in. If they lost their keys, they have no idea that this guy is trying to save them from being locked out and panicked. He says it again “Anyone missing keys?” No one claims them and then he screams “OK! Peace out!”

This is one of those times where paying attention to your surroundings may have been beneficial. Just sayin’.


·        Don’t pick your nose in public. In fact, don’t pick your nose EVER!

·         Pay attention to your surroundings.

That is all!  

Monday, March 10, 2014

Muppets- Watch Out for the Icy Patch

It was just like the Muppet's Family Christmas Icy Patch this morning on the double decker.
Click here if having difficulty seeing video.

I got a seat on the bottom level of the double decker this morning. I managed to walk down the stairs just fine. However, several people behind me and getting on at other stops had their feet slip right out from under them and tumble down the 4 or so stairs. Yes, there was snow this morning but the fact that so many people slipped, blew my mind. I guess we all had wishful thinking about the spring time temps this weekend and quickly tried to push snow and how to manage it out of our minds.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Black Friday Stampede

This morning at North Station, I was at the front of the line to board the T. The train pulls up, the doors open, people get off and when I am about to hop on to the T, I feel from behind someone pushing me right over. OK, we are all going to the same place. We are all most likely going to fit on the T. There is NO need to act like you are at a Black Friday Sale and they just opened the doors! No need to push over an unsuspecting 100 pound girl and crush her into the side rails and knock the wind out of her. NO NEED!! Although, when I did catch my breath, I turned around and kicked that idiot wearing his Elmer Fudd hat, in the shin as hard as I could and gave him my death look. Since the train was packed, he may have had an idea where the kick came from but no proof SO HUH!!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Face Time

From what I understand, face time is a wonderful thing. It's not my thing but if it's for you...great!

Let me just go over when NOT to use face time shall we? You do not use face time while walking in a herd of people to your train. We are in close quarters with each other and A. I don't want to be in your screen shot B. Your arm is extended so far that you are whacking people in the head C. You are waving at your extended phone like an idiot and everyone has to witness you being a cooing idiot and by your tone, I can only hope you are talking to a small child D. While you are waving like an idiot you crash into the person in front of you causing a nice domino affect. Way to go buddy. You have successfully pissed off a ton of after work, hungry train commuters. Good job.

So please,if you must, wait until you're on the train (and not in the quiet car) before you face time...or better yet, wait until you are in the privacy of your own home to do that.

Recap:No face time while walking in a herd of people where you should be paying attention.

That is all!!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Aren't You My Friend on Facebook?

Do you ever have one of those moments when you see someone and you think you know them but you just aren’t sure but you think they are your friend on Facebook so you feel obligated to say hi even though you aren’t 100% sure that it’s them because they post a million pictures of their kids, dog, cat but not themselves so you don’t know what they look like as of recent but you don’t want to look like a snob or have them think you are snubbing them?

Ya, well that happened to me this morning on the Orange Line. I hop in the door and look up and see this guy that I used to talk to all the time in my old office building in New Hampshire or at least I think it’s him. He seemed taller than I remembered but then again, I was in my “commuter” riding boots that are flat and back then, I always saw him while I was wearing my stiletto’s…soooo I just might be shorter. I stand on my tip toes to see if I now think he is the right height. He had the same beard he sported back in the day but his hair was shorter than I remembered. He kept looking down at the ground every time I looked over so I did the natural thing…pretend I don’t see him because I am not 100% sure it is him and I don’t want to say hi to him if it isn’t who I think it is and look like an idiot in front of all the train people if he’s like “Who the heck are you?” However, if I don’t say hi to him and it IS in fact him, I look like an a*shole too…but then again… HE could say hi to ME… Which brings me to WHY I no longer say hi to people I think I am friends with on Facebook or briefly knew in my past.

In December, I go wine tasting in New Hampshire. I check us in on Facebook that we are there tasting wines. We go to the tasting bar and I don’t have my glasses on and I look back and see who I think is my old boss. I put my glasses on and I am 100% certain it is him. We are in a town that boarders where he lives with his wife and kids. They are sitting having dinner so I just wave and he looks beyond me. I think he doesn’t see me but he had to have seen me. I am so confused so I turn around to the tasting bar and start debating “He is my friend on Facebook. I checked in here. He will know I was here and didn’t say hi to him. What if he leaves and sees my check in and then thinks I snubbed him?” His family finishes dinner and I think they are leaving.

WRONG! They mosey on up to the tasting bar and he puts himself right next to me. I turn to him and say “Hey! How have you been? It’s been forever!” He looks at me horrified “Um, who are you? Do I know you?” I was like “I was only your assistant for 2 years!” he was like “No, I don’t have assistants.” He turns back to his family and his wife is FUMING! I probably ended their marriage that night she looked so pissed or at least started World War III for their car ride home! Confused and feeling like an idiot in front of an entire tasting bar of people and mind you…there wasn’t music on in the back ground soooo Crickets! Yup, that’s all you could hear…Crickets! I look down at my tasting sheet and I have 7 more varietals to go and he is standing 6 inches away from me. WHY! WHY did I choose the extended tasting instead of the short and sweet tasting?! I quickly went through my remaining 7 varietals and grabbed as many bottles of wine that I could carry to the checkout, paid and bee lined it out of there.

So, if you see me and I am not making any effort to say hi to you and you are my long lost Facebook friend… I am NOT snubbing you! I am saving both of us from a potentially awkward situation…especially if it’s not…YOU!