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Friday, May 30, 2014

5th Graders and I was Quoted!

This morning I board the train and snag a seat all to myself. It seems like it is going to be a pretty quiet day on the train today until… Anderson/Woburn! Yup! An entire class of fifth graders, their chaperons and their siblings boarded the train and sat where… NEXT TO ME!

A woman not part of the class sits with me in our three seater and then she scoots in to the middle seat which allows someone from this class to sit. Wouldn’t you know it’s a mom…with two young kids…who wish to both sit on her lap so my three seater turned into a five seater! AWESOME! I try to continue reading while I was squished up against the window but they keep talking and I swear to GOD if I heard “And he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down.” One more freakin’ time, I was gonna choke someone! My coffee, which is vital in the morning to me, had not kicked in yet and I couldn’t take it!

We finally pull in to North Station and the lovely mom on the end of the seat with the two kids lets me and the lady next to me out first so that we didn’t have to be stuck with her crew. How thoughtful and I very much appreciated it.

I darted to the T and hoped that I wouldn’t be on the T with them… and PS if they tried to go on the T during rush hour, they’d lose everyone. There is no way a crew of that size would get on in one shot. Sooo, I lucked out and they didn’t get on the T. YAY!

Then, while I am waiting for the train a guy behind me goes to a girl behind me “Let’s take the Green line. This one is going to be what the Train Girl calls ‘Sardine Packed’!” YUP! FOR REAL made my day!! I didn’t say anything because I try to be inconspicuous but I was glowing inside and that one line made up for my entire train ride of the Three Little Pigs!

Happy Friday Everyone! Enjoy the weekend!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

I'm the Boo

This morning my 9 year old Pointer had a lot of energy so I took her on an extra-long walk and caught a later train in. Well, I just barely caught the later train! As I dashed through the parking lot to the parking pay machine I made eye contact with the conductor. Eye contact is key! Then they feel mean when they leave without you! (Most of the time anyways)

I pay with my “sparkly shiny dollar coins” and hop on the train. As I walk by the conductor I say a heartfelt “Thank you!”

I find a seat and take out my train pass. As she makes her way by me she says “Thanks Boo!”

AWW! She called me Boo. I just thought it was so cute. Much more endearing than the usual “Tha-Que, Tha-Que, Tha-Que” I am used to...which most of the time it sounds like he is saying "Fah-Que, Fah-Que, Fah-Que." He very well could be saying "Fah-Que" but i don't want to believe it!

Friday, May 23, 2014

Got Wet on the Train

Oh it’s raining and you want your umbrella out of your way. Well, let me tell you where it doesn’t go! It does NOT go on the overhead rack while it’s soaking wet so it can dry out and drip on my f*cking head! That’s where it doesn’t go! I use an umbrella outside to prevent this from happening so guess what? I don’t want to use it in the train to prevent it from happening because while in the train, I should not be getting soaking wet!

That’s it! The End!

Happy Friday Everybody!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Identity Theft and Flowbee Haircuts

This morning, as I am waiting for the train, this woman gets a phone call and opens up her cute little wallet-slash-phone holder to pick it up. She then folds her wallet flap over the back of the phone and starts talking.

As I am standing there I can see her credit card numbers and her license with all of her personal info on it. How stupid can one be? I mean, she is lucky I am an honest person and would never try to take her identity…plus, she has a hideous flowbee hair cut…so no thanks to that identity.

Anyway people, let’s get one thing straight, when you are on public transit… or anywhere for that matter, you are among people from all walks of life including bad people SO here is a lesson for today because it is sh*tty to have your identity stolen: Don’t put your credit cards and personal info on something you wave around in public for all to see.

That is all!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Velcro Shoes and Fashion Police!

OK, I am pretty sure everyone knows that wearing double Velcro shoes past the age of 2 is just flat out wrong! Okay…Okay, I will admit that I have a pair of LaCoste Velcro shoes but…they are freakin’ LaCoste! OK! Wearing the double strip Velcro shoes obtained only at…Wal-Mart is just offensive.

This morning I missed my normal train and took a later express train in to work. This guy comes up next to me with “dad jeans” on and double Velcro Wal-Mart shoes. I mean REALLY buddy! Who wears that and do your kids know you are walking around in public like that? I assume you have kids because you have “dad jeans” on! I would NEVER have let my dad walk out of the house like that…never!

As I sit and wait for the train I start racking my brain and if memory serves me right… and it usually does, this guy sported Napoleon Dynamite Moon Boots this winter so I mean maybe he is just stuck in an era. However, WHAT era was it where it was acceptable to wear double Velcro shoes or Moon Boots with “dad jeans”? UM, NEVER!!

Luckily, while packing, I found my “Fashion Police” tickets! I will have to stash that note pad in my purse for future occasions!

Friday, May 16, 2014

Strict Exit Policy or You DIE!

All the time, conductors say “Don’t exit the train unless the door is attended by a conductor!” They always get so angry when you exit the train through a door that they did not open.

I am sitting next to my train friend and talking about properties and real estate when... the conductor comes in and says “Making the exit at the doors down there!” Pointing to the doors at the opposite end of the train. THEN… He starts his lecture-slash-rant.

“I don’t do this to make you walk an extra 80 feet. I do this because I tell the train when to go. A while back someone left through an unattended door. He left the door open. Another guy behind him decided he could leave through that door too but the train was already told to go. The guy got flustered, stepped out anyways and fell to the ground. That guy is DEAD!!!!!!! So, making the exit at the doors down there.”

Oh my god! I almost died laughing! My train friend next to me burst out laughing too. I felt a little bad for the conductor. Only because I love this conductor! He is awesome but he was so serious and I am sure he gets annoyed at people leaving through doors they shouldn’t and he did make a very good point but it was just hilarious the way it was presented.

My train friend turns to me and says “So, the moral of the story is, I live…the guy behind me dies!”

I turn to him and say “Yup! That’s what I got out of that!”

Happy Friday everyone and don’t go out unattended open train doors unless you’re the one that opened them!

Friday, May 9, 2014

Karma…That B*tch!

 This morning I get to the train station, pay the parking machine and walk up to the train platform. The outbound train comes in and prevents us stragglers from crossing to the inbound platform. As I wait, I notice the dumb a*s douche bag that thought the parking lot was the autobahn the other day. I look at her outfit up and down. OK I do that to everyone! I like my fashion and like to see what people are wearing. If they are wearing something nice, I compliment them and mean it. If they aren’t, I blog about it… like camel toe faux pas and how spandex isn’t for everyone.

Anyway…while I am taking in her outfit I notice that her jeans are split at the seam. Do I tell her? Do I not? I go back and forth on that for a second and then I just blurt it out.

“I hate to ruin in your morning but your jeans are split at the seam.” I whisper to her as I point to the culprit area.

She gasps and doesn’t know what to do. Does she cross and go to work in split seamed jeans or does she go home and change? She went home and changed without even saying a word to me…which is fair because the day she cut me off, I didn’t say a word to her. I just gave her the death look.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Stop Sporting Camel Toe- Get a Full Length Mirror

Reasons to own a full length mirror:

·         So you know your shoes match your complete ensemble.

·         So you know you’re not sporting high waters (I’m tall…I always check).

·         So you can see that your entire ensemble matches.

·         So you can take in your full body image.

Last but not least:

·         So you know you’re not sporting a camel toe (or for the larger ladies, a moose hoof or for men, a moose knuckle) on the god d*mn train!


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Don't Be a Dumb A*s Douche Bag

Let’s go over how to drive in a train station parking lot shall we?

When someone is driving in front of you and they slow down and put on their left blinker to turn into a parking spot on…the left, it DOES NOT MEAN you should drive around them on the LEFT!!! It means you stop behind them or if possible, go around them on the RIGHT! The parking lot is not the autobahn, you do not pass on the left when people make god d*mn left turns!  

This morning some dumb a*s douche bag behind me decided she would go around me ON THE LEFT while I was making a LEFT into a parking space! Are you a f*cking idiot? Luckily I saw her out of the corner of my eye and slammed my brakes so an accident was avoided.

After I pull in my spot, I hop out and see her park and hop out of her car. I was so fired up because I have been dealing with idiots lately and my fuse is shorter than usual and my tolerance for stupidity is pretty short these days. As I walk by her on my way to the parking machine, she shrugs and smiles at me as if to say “Oopsy! Almost nailed ya!”  

She is lucky I reeled in my furry because I was contemplating which weapon of choice to use…my stiletto or a liberal amount of pepper spray. I chose neither because I am better than that but oh man…I hate stupid people!


·         Train station parking lot does not equal autobahn!

·         Left blinker means someone is turning…LEFT!

·         Don’t be a dumb a*s douche bag!

Thursday, May 1, 2014

You're a Disheveled Mess! Pull it Together!

Last night I am heading home on an early train to take care of things on the home front. I am delightfully surprised that I am on a double decker and head straight to the upper deck. I don’t know why but I love them and it seems like a special treat. I snag a seat with a table! (Two delightful surprises in a row!) As I am waiting for others to board, a guy sits in the table seat across the aisle from me. He is sitting at the window seat.

Another man who is kind of disheveled boards and asks the man in the window seat if he can “Sit there”. The guy at the window seat says “Sure.” Thinking he means that the guy wants to share the seat with him, as anyone else would think.

“NO! I want your seat!” the man says to the guy in the window seat. “I need a plug for my laptop so I need to sit there.” He continues.

The guy in the window seat reluctantly moves and takes the aisle seat and the disheveled guy with the laptop takes the window seat and plugs in and spreads his stuff out all over the table like no one else is using it. The guy across from him also has his laptop out and is suddenly pushed to a small corner of the table.

As we pull out of the station the disheveled laptop guy half stands up and grabs composed laptop guys’ laptop and starts screaming “Do you have Wifi? This train said I’d have Wifi! Where’s my Wifi?!”

First off, let’s back up! Disheveled laptop guy grabs composed laptop guys laptop! I don’t know about you but I don’t touch other people’s personal electronics. I don’t know…because they are PERSONAL! I think of them as private…the modern day diary if you will. You just don’t touch them!

Composed laptop guy gives disheveled laptop guy a look  and says “NO! I am working off line right now.”

Disheveled laptop guy stands up and hits his head on the luggage rack (They are lower in the double deckers so it’s a common mistake). “I need Wifi! I need to try another car.” He collects all of the sh*t he spread out over the table and starts to move. He forgets to unplug his laptop and as he is walking away, is jerked back and almost loses everything in his hands. The aisle seat guy also notices the guy dropped his hat on the seat and points it out to him. Disheveled guy says “Just get it for me will ya?!”

Pretty much everyone is watching in disbelief. Is this guy really this flustered…this much of an idiot? He finally leaves the train car and we all sign with relief.

What did we learn today?

·         Stay in your personal bubble.

·         Don’t touch other people’s electronic devices.

·         Unplug your electronic device if you wish to move about the train cabin freely.

·         Don’t be a disheveled idiot. Pull yourself together!