I am the Fashion Police

I am the fashion police! You would like my credentials? Well, in my previous career I was a model so I may know just a little bit about fashion.

On my way to the train this evening, I see a woman wearing a knee length skirt with leg warmers and sneakers! I mean really! It was so "working girl esque". I couldn't take it! I know it is cold out but you wear riding boots like the rest of us or pants but bright purple sneakers with leg warmers and your career woman outfit are just ridiculous!!

That is all! Have a nice weekend everybody!

Oops! My Bra Fell Off

So, don’t mind that thing on the floor of the T. It’s just my bra!

Oh my GOD! Today I get on a sardine packed train…OK, can I just start abbreviating? SPT! Does that work for everyone? OK, so today I get on to a SPT and I am squished in so tight between a few guys. I get squeezed on each side at the same time and that’s when I feel it. My bra was squeezed at just the right angle and it unhooked…and it was strapless. I immediately squeeze my arms to my side to try and make sure it stays up. Then I pray to GOD that I tucked in my shirt today so maybe…just maybe… it won’t go flying out and onto the train floor. Then I remember that I didn’t tuck in my shirt…I am wearing a button up shirt and a vest over it and for added flare/texture to my outfit, I let the bottom hang out.

I feel my bra slipping down. Luckily, I have on my abominable snow man jacket because it’s 11 degrees and so it isn’t obvious and the jacket is to my knees soooo I have extra room/time before people can see it.

We finally stop at State and I get off the train. I secure my bags in one hand and then place my hand on my jacket where I think my bra is to make sure it doesn’t fall out on my way to the office.  Getting through the revolving door was tricky with bags in one hand and bra recon mission in the other but I did it and I made it to my office without my bra falling on the sidewalk. GO ME!

A Candy Crush Balancing Act

It’s OK A*shole! You can fall on me and continue to play your Candy Crush. No problem buddy!

This morning, I get on to a packed T. Shocking…I know! There isn’t anything for me to hold on to so I assume 2nd ballet position. I have figured out that if I keep my feet as wide as my shoulders, I don’t go flying when we come to a stop. Well, the idiot next to me hadn’t figured that out, wasn’t holding on and was so enthralled with Candy Crush that he went flying on top of me when we came to a stop at Haymarket.

Once he knocks me over, he is STILL playing Candy Crush! He doesn’t even bother to try to get up. Isn’t there a pause button? I mean really buddy, get off me! His game finally ends and that is when he gets off me. He doesn’t even apologize. Just stands up as if nothing happened in his North Face Fleece. AND speaking of North Face Fleeces, let’s get something straight. They are nice, don’t get me wrong but on a day that it is 8 degrees out and windy…well a North Face Fleece isn’t cutting it and even though you want to look stylish…well you just look like an idiot that couldn’t afford the North Face Jacket. Yup I said it. But really, warmth on days that are 8 degrees and windy sometimes has to trump fashion even if it doesn’t say North Face on it.

We Have A Cruise Director

Last night, I left the office a little late. However, with just enough time to catch the 530 train, if the timing on the T worked out perfectly, I’d make it.

I went to State to wait for the T. While I am waiting, the platform is packed!! A train pulls in and hardly anyone gets on. Some girl pleaded with the people on the train to let her on so she could catch her commuter rail. No one budged.

The next train came in and it was a mad dash to get on. People packed on like sardines. I was lucky enough to stand in the crook of some guys arm pit for two whole stops. (He was SURE! Not Unsure! Thank god!) Before I happily landed in the crook of his armpit this unfolded:

There isn’t any more room on the train. Some huge man weighing in at maybe 300 pounds decides he is going to squeeze on. I mean, the space he was trying to fit into was a space I would barely fit in and I am a third his size. This girl notices him trying to squeeze in and she screams “This fat guy in the red jacket is trying to squeeze on. Apparently he has places to go. Can we squeeze in so he can fit because we ain’t going anywhere until he is on… he is not givin’ up people!”  The guy looks up at her she continues “Yeah! You! You think you’re getting on here? Let’s see about that.”

She starts barking orders to everyone “You sit in that empty seat, now you move down, you can fit there…” her boyfriend tries to quiet her down and she turns to him and says “If I don’t play cruise director, we aren’t leavin’ this station. This guy thinks he can fit!” The guy in the red didn’t seem embarrassed and just stood there with the door getting stuck on his backside while the train conductor yelled over the loud speaker for him to fit inside or get off. He didn’t move!

Finally we all settle into our places (I like to equate this to when I fill my sugar and flour jars. You shake the canister to make it settle in and then you can top it off and add more…shake and repeat!) The fat guy in the red jacket fits on board and we start moving.

From the crook of some guys arm pit, I hear this girl yell to the guy “You can thank me now!” the guy in the red says nothing and looks at his feet…or his stomach…covering his feet.

Good times on the T!

Be-Aggressive-Be-E-Aggressive

It’s a god damn blessed miracle I made the train! GEEEEEZUS!!!! I leave the house with plenty of time to get to the train station. Then, I get stuck behind this lady going 15 miles per hour! FIFTEEN!!!! The roads weren’t plowed all that well and had she had a sports car, I may have been more understanding. However, this dumb b*tch was driving a brand new Durango with four wheel drive and wouldn’t ya know…she took all the same streets I needed to take. Lucky a*s me!

She drove SO slow that when I got closer to the train station, I had less than 2 minutes to park, pay for parking and board the train. I decide to park on the inbound side instead of my usual outbound side because inbound is closer to the platform. I get over there and people are inventing their own parking spots and there aren’t any more numbered parking spots because of the awesome snow mounds that were once parking spots. If I “create” my own spot, I no longer know my license plate because the Mass DMV is stupid and I don’t have my vanity plate anymore from NH, so how do I write it on the envelope that I am going to have to hastily fill out? HMM!?

I drive around some more and see the train approaching. I decided that I don’t have time to figure out a spot on that side and make that train and start going toward the exit to go park on the other side and take the next train when, all of a sudden, a space opens up!! FOR REAL! I pull in, grab my bags, coffee and “sparkly shiny dollar coins” and book it to the pay station. I throw my “sparkly shiny dollar” coins in the meter and run to the train. I was the last one on and the new conductor held the door for me! Freakin’ miracle I tell ya!!

Note to Self:

·         Get Mass Vanity Plate ordered.

Recap:

·         If you have 4 WD, you are allowed to be aggressive in the snow…and by aggressive, I mean, go the f*ckin’ speed limit!

Cute Outfits and New Pick Up Lines

I go out yesterday at lunch to get a bagel! Even though it was practically a blizzard, I just wanted a bagel. I decide I will go to Brueggers. I throw on my winter wonderland gear and head over. I have on a black three quarter length jacket with my alligator gloves, riding boots, my Tumi work purse and one of my “fancy pants hats”.

As I am in Brueggers, the girl in front of me turns to me and goes “Girl! You are just adorable in that outfit. So cute! You look like you’re from London or something. ” I thank her and then feel bad about totally ripping on her ugly pants in my head.  Ok, they were spandex pants with donuts on them and it looked like she had one too many donuts herself…so…oh the irony!

I leave the bagel shop and head back to my office when this guy comes up to me and says “Do you know where the Orange line is?” I assume he is a confused tourist and help him out since I would hope someone would do the same for me in a strange city.

“You are so close!” I tell him “Come with me.” As I walk him over to the State Street entrance. “Where are you heading?” I ask.

“Wellington.” He says.

“OK, when you get to the bottom and get through the gates, go right. You will see signs for the outbound train.”

He then says “You know, I know where I am going. You were just so cute, I needed a way to get your number. Let me take you out sometime.” He says.

I let him down gently and went on my merry little way back to the office. I should have known…he looked a little too “corporate-city-boy” to be lost.

I Found My Gloves

I missed my gloves! They were my favorite after all. I decide that I will check the lost and found at the train station to see if there was some off chance that anyone returned them. I go to the desk “Has anyone turned in a black pair of gloves?” I ask the man behind the counter.

The train station is packed due to a plethora of delayed trains and some tree hugging, granola chick is standing next to the lost and found- slash-security window.

The guy from behind the counter tells me I need to be more specific. “Black alligator leather gloves!” The tree hugging, granola chick gives me the absolute look of death. He grabs a box of gloves and throws it in front of me. There must be 50 pair of black gloves in there. “Are they in there?”

I look over the top of the box and wouldn’t you know they are ON THE TOP!!! I shriek with excitement! “Oh my god!! They are here!! That’s them!!” I tell him. I whip them out of the box and throw them on my hands while the tree hugger, granola chick stares me down. “He found my gloves!” I shriek at her.

“And an alligator died for those!” she says back to me with less enthusiasm than I have.

I did a valley-girl like “Uh huh!!” and even did the valley-girl head tilt…all I was missing was blond hair and gum! Then I walked away toward the platform of my train. I felt like saying “Yes, an alligator died for these but I don’t go around telling you that you need to wear deodorant so shut the f*ck up!” BUUUT I didn’t! I know when it’s not my place to say something and clearly, she doesn’t but we all know how f*cked I am if my inner voice ever becomes my outer voice…

Don't Throw Garbage at Me

Yesterday, I am waiting for the T. I am the first one to get to State Street so I line myself up so I am the first one in the door of the T when it arrives.

Some old hag comes and stands next to me. She then drops her Dunkin Donuts bag full of trash on the ground and punts it into my shin! I assume it was full of trash because I certainly wouldn’t throw a bag full of fresh donuts on the ground and punt it at someone.

It was rush hour so I only could assume she wanted my spot. First of all lady, I was here first. Second of all, you are like three of me, so I have a good shot at getting on the train, if I let you in front of me; you are the only one getting on the train! I don’t flinch and remain calm.

She then pulls the bag full of garbage back to her with her foot and punts it at me AGAIN! This time I am getting ticked so I ignore her and start digging through my purse for my pepper spray! Hey, if I feel threatened… I mean she is punting it at me near the edge of the track…what if I fall in? I have a gun permit and a redheaded temper that says I can use my pepper spray to defend myself!

I grab my keychain with the pepper spray on it and hold is so she sees it. She steps away and stands near a column where she is no longer punting garbage at my shin!

Oh the joys of public transit!

I Lost My Favorite Gloves

My Monday started out with a late train. We arrived at North Station 20 minutes late. Not usually a problem you see. However, when I took my gloves off this morning, I placed them on my lap instead of in my purse. When I got off the train, I stood up and assumed my gloves were in my purse. My favorite black alligator leather gloves. These gloves were awesome! They went with everything. They spruced up a blah coat. They were perfect for driving. I could go on and on!!

Well, I get to the platform of the T and go to put them on and realize that, OH MY GOD!!! They aren’t in my purse. That is when I remembered, I put them on my lap! SO, when I stood up, they fell to the ground.

Since the train ran late, I ran late! So, I had a decision to make, run back to the commuter rail platform and see if they were still there or go to work and try my best not to be ridiculously late!

I decided to go to work! It devastated me but what are you going to do? I had to be a grown up and put fashion on the back burner. I will check with the lost and found at the train station later today. We’ll see if anyone turned ‘em in.

Once I am on the T, I am packed in like a little sardine. I have about five people standing around me. I don’t even have to hold a handle because I am packed in so tight by surrounding strangers. All of a sudden, someone is holding my hand! Yup! Some stranger is holding my hand and MY GLOVES WEREN’T ON!

I look around confused. When we stop at Haymarket, I have some room to wiggle. I whip my hand away from this stranger and he apologizes profusely because he thought my hand was his girlfriends.

Happy Monday People!!