That Awkward Moment When...

That awkward moment when the balding, 50-something year old man next to you starts crying his eyes out. He leans over and puts his head between his knees. I look over to see if he is ok. I am not sure what to do. Do I ask him if he is ok? Do I just keep quiet so I don’t insult his manhood? All I wanted to do was offer him a tissue and a mint. Don’t ask me why I felt compelled to give him an Altoid but I thought he might want one. Sugar always makes me happy so maybe that’s why I wanted to reach for the tin.

His phone went off. It wasn’t on silent. It was like a bomb sound. I looked at caller ID (Um, how do I not when it’s right there sounding like a bomb and my book totally does not have my interest anymore?) It said “The Office”. He didn’t hit ignore. He just let it ring until it went to voicemail. He then dives back into his knees and starts choking. Ah, HA! I knew I my mints could come in handy. I start ruffling through my bag and he pops up and gives me the meanest look possible. I stop rummaging and burry my head in my book and fake read. FINE buddy! You don’t get a mint and tissues! Not after that look.

I sit and try to now ignore what is going on next to me until I get off. Of course he gets off at my stop!

Holy awkward!

Lost 2 Monthly Passes

So, for all of you monthly pass holders that are on an automatic replenishment system, you will certainly be able to feel for this guy.

The other night, I hop on the train and sit down in a packed train. The conductor comes through and I hear someone say “What do you want me to do? I lost it!” The conductor ignores this and walks by. A little while later he comes back and I hear the guy say to the conductor “Both of ‘em went down the crack! My July and my August!” (August passes just came in the mail) I look over and he flashes his lanyard that is missing the clip.

Everyone from that 3 seater gets up while the conductor tries to locate the passes that fell down the crack of the seat. This turns in to quite a production. Then the guy says “Well, maybe they aren’t down there. Maybe they fell off before I got on the train.” The conductor is pissed “You mean to tell me you aren’t even sure if they are down there?” The guy meekly says “Noooo” The conductor walks away with his hands up and everyone sits back down.

Sucks to be that guy though! It isn’t even August and he lost his August monthly pass that I am sure cost a pretty penny. This is why I keep my passes zipped in separate compartments when I get my new monthly pass and still have a few days left on my other pass.I haven’t lost my pass ever but this would absolutely suck! To replace my pass, I could have purchased two pair of nice shoes instead…and I always need (want) new shoes!!!

Walking and Texting

So, last Friday, there was a dead bird on the platform at the train station. Well, it was still there this morning too. I was fortunate enough to have noticed him/her on Friday and avoid it. I also remembered this morning while walking on the platform that he/she was there on Friday and checked to see if he/she was picked up. He/She was not and I avoided he/she for another time. However, this one girl came walking up on the platform with her face in her phone guess what she did?

Yup, she stepped on the dead bird… in flip flops! Ya! That happened. So people, get your face out of your phone while you are walking! Seriously. Pull over to the side of the sidewalk if it is that important because otherwise, you slow people up, walk into things, walk off of things, fall into things!

Recap- Don’t walk and text at the same time. It’s not as easy as walking and chewing gum at the same time!

That is all!   

Oh Don't Worry....

Oh don’t worry buddy, that’s just my shin you are stabbing with your massive golf umbrella. It’s ok. I don’t bruise easily or anything!

Yesterday, as I am darting to the train, it was raining only lightly so many people were carrying their umbrella’s closed instead of open and over them. Since mine is a compact Coach umbrella that fits adorably in my oversized  Tumi work purse, I could conceal mine. However, this a*shole in front of me had a huge a*s golf umbrella that he was carrying horizontally. While carrying horizontally, he was swinging his arms back and forth as many do while walking. It was crowded so we are all in the herd of sheeple together. Each time he moved his arms back and forth, his lovely pointy umbrella poked-jabbed my shin. My very skinny-bruises-easily-shin! I can’t afford bruises as I may have upcoming photo shoots that need my shins happy and healthy so I am quickly annoyed.

I dart out and around him on the opposite side of the platform and give him a little stare down while I pass him to save my lovely porcelain shins from more abuse!

Quick Recap:

·         Don’t carry huge a*s oversized golf umbrella’s, while walking in the herd of sheeple, horizontally!

THAT IS ALL!

Bad Hair Day

Today everyone on the train had bad hair… including me! Well, that’s debatable depending on how you look at it. I am not sporting my usual barrel curled coif which I am not happy about! No no my friend! I am sporting a slicked back ballerina bun! It is SUPER cute! Actually, while I was boarding the train, people were staring at me so much that I assumed I had something stuck on my face. I whipped out my phone and threw that sh*t on selfie mode to check my face…nope! Nothing stuck to my face so it must be cute! I don’t think I have sported an actual slicked back ballerina bun since my gymnastics days but all of a sudden once I had the bun in my hair, I felt like I should be in a leotard charging down the vaulting runway or preparing for my next tumble pass. I also noticed that while waiting for that train, my toes kept finding themselves in a ballerina position. Funny how something just brings you right back.

Anyways, back to bad hair! Every girl had their hair in some version of a bun or pony tail today. It made me feel better about my decision not to fight with my coif and just succumb to the fact that the humidity is obnoxious but the humidity can go away any time now and I will keep gaging my bad hair days among the rest of the commuters.

And That's Normal

This morning I hop on the T at a different car than normal because I have to go to CVS to grab something before I head to the office. Two girls pile in next to me and one says to the other “I had a mental break down on Friday.” The other girl is dumb founded and just looks at her. “I don’t know what happened. I just lost it.” The other girl still has nothing to say but the mental breakdown girl keeps going. “I just have a lot going on I think and I just snapped but I’m ok now. Right…I’m ok now? Right?” as if she is asking her friend (acquaintance maybe?) if she seems back to normal today.

Happy Monday people! What have we learned today?

·         Don’t talk about your mental breakdowns on the train. That might be TMI!

I Just Might Choke Someone...and I Saw My Favorite Conductor

A few days ago, I found out that the Middlesex court did not change my name as I wanted and because I had moved out of the county before they were done processing it, they “couldn’t” finish processing it! I was BULL SH*T! They told me it would take four weeks to process; I left the county at exactly the 4 week mark. I called Monday because it had been 6 weeks and guess what, they shredded my application, all forms I left with them and my checks! I was told I had to go REAPPLY at my new county!

So, I do. I go there with all of my paperwork. I go to whip out my check book and as I go to make out the check, I am told that they no longer take personal checks! This is how it goes down:

Court Lady-  “We don’t take personal checks.”

Me- “ Your website states you do.”

Court Lady- “Too many bounced checks. We don’t take ‘em. Get a money order.”

Me- “I have a great credit score and I have never bounced a check. You’re really not going to take a check from me?”

Court Lady- “No! Money Order.”

Me- “Cash?” (Don’t ask me why I had this much cash on me but I did for some reason.)

Court Lady- “No!”

I leave and head to the post office with tears rolling down my face. I have HAD it with Massachusetts and their bull sh*t!

Roll into the post office. This goes down:

Mail Lady- “And who will you make this money order out to?”

Me- “Essex Probate Divorce Court”

Mail Lady-“ Do you need anything else?”

Me- “Yes! Do you have lovey dovey heart stamps? I need a book for my sisters bridal shower invitations!”

Mail Lady- “ OH! The irony!”

Entire line of people behind me laughs…not sure if it was with me or at me!

Head back to the court and walk up to the counter with my paperwork. A different girl is behind the counter. I whip out my check book where I stored my money order for safe keeping and she grabs a stamp and says “If you need to write a check, you can use this stamper for the “to” portion of the check.”

I just about jumped through the glass! I wanted to just choke someone!!! BUT I held it together because that’s what I do and I didn’t want my paperwork getting ‘lost in the shuffle’. I just want my god damned name back!

Anyway, I book it to the train station as I am super late for work as it is. I hop on the 1050-ish train. I am stewing in my seat with anger when all of a sudden, I hear my name! It’s Joe! My favorite conductor! He has one train a day that goes out my way in my new place and it happened to be the one I jumped on! He sat and chatted with me the rest of the ride in. I didn’t mention my day, I just said that with the move I had to update info and he trailed off on a tale that made my day seem minimally bad. It’s always nice to see a familiar face and after chatting with him, I felt much better.

Train Schedule!

I have GOT to learn the train schedule. This morning, I got up and got ready. Since it is going to be hot and sticky today, I paid extra attention to my hair! That being said, I look at the clock…which I don’t have many of in my new place for some reason and panic when I see that it is 7:34am and I know my train comes at 7:41am. I give my dog a kiss on the head, grab my coffee and scoot out the front door. I figure seven minutes is enough time to walk two blocks but the second I shut my front door, I hear the train pull in.

I start running down the street and round the corner. It is right in front of the station. As I am running, I realize my coffee is splashing everywhere. I hold it as far away from my body as possible because I am wearing my brand new Armani Cashmere shell and like hell am I getting coffee on that! I contemplated putting my coffee down on the sidewalk and picking up my to-go cup later but thought better of it since I don’t want my new neighborhood peeps to think I liter.

As I get closer, I see the train pulling away. However, it’s pulling away in the opposite direction. I ran for nothing! I put my Armani Cashmere shell in danger for nothing! I had heard the outbound train and not the inbound train. I guess I just had to jump start my day with a nice morning jog!

Note to self: The outbound train will arrive slightly before your inbound train! Got it!