Some Housekeeping

The last few days I have noticed some really bad housekeeping habits on the train.

I will begin by saying: Don't floss your damn teeth on the train. Especially when you are shoulder to shoulder with me. I don't want to worry about your tartar build up getting flung into my coffee cup! Wait until you are comfortably in front of a mirror in the closest bathroom.

Next: Always have tissues with you. Keep them in your purse, your pocket...where ever you can stash them. Today on the T as I am heading to North Station, I am standing in front a guy sitting and reading a book when all of a sudden he lifts his bare hand to his nose and wipes it once, twice, three time (a lady) back and forth back and forth. When he is done, I can clearly see his hand is full of snot. He looks at his hand and...are you ready for this...wipes it on the seat! Yup! That really happened!! I understand that when you read, you are taken to a new world but you have to remember the world you are actually in and that is in public and on a train and in that world, no one wants your snot rockets on the seat!

What did we learn today?
-Don't fling your tartar build up into a strangers coffee cup.
-Don't wipe your snot on publicly occupied surfaces. You can avoid this by having tissues.

I Wanted to B*tch Slap This Girl

I ALMOST slapped a b*tch today.

I get on at my stop and find a seat on the end of a three seater. The middle seat was open. I put my purse and bag on my lap and scroll through my phone as we continue on to the next stop. We get to Anderson-Woburn and this girl gets on and says to me as I am scrolling through my very important Facebook feed “MOVE OVER!”

She didn’t say “Can you move over please?” She just demanded that I “Move over!”

I survey her shoes. Boat shoes! UM, I am pretty sure everyone has taken their boats out of the water this past weekend so boat shoes…officially out of season.

I look up and see her stupid mousey nose with her stupid mousey lips and just envision her nibbling on a stupid piece of cheese.

Have I mentioned I haven’t taken ONE sip of my coffee yet and I have been up since 4am because my husband’s alarm went off at that time so he could go to an early meeting?

I do my best to smile and move over.

For those of you, like her that do not know commuter etiquette, this is how this should have gone down:

Mousey-Boat Shoe Girl- “Can I sit there?” While she is pointing to the middle seat.

Me- “Sure.” But instead of getting up to give her the middle, I slide in and take the middle myself.

Mousey-Boat Shoe Girl- Act pleasantly surprised that I have given you the coveted end seat while saying “Thank you!”

Me- “No problem.”

See, simple as that and no one gets b*tch slapped or judged on their out of season boat shoes.

I Was the Irritated B*tch Today

This morning was a dreary, chilly morning. Instead of walking I decide to take the T. I head down to the platform and wait for the next train at North Station. The next train pulls in but it packed so I wait for the next one.

The next train comes 4 minutes later and I board the train. I notice a gramma, mother and son trio blocking the door on the other side of the train. That’s the door I have to get out of at State. I don’t think too much of it as most people with strollers know to get the hell out of the way when people are disembarking the train.

Haymarket comes and goes and then we arrive at State. I make my way towards the door and they just stand there! They now have the kid out of the stroller so the mom is holding the son that is trying to walk off the train (the only one doing the right thing here) and gramma is standing there holding the stroller and watching like a hawk their 500-bagilion pack of Huggies that is also blocking the door. I do my normal “Excuse me.” In my polite tone and they stare at me blankly. “I need to get off the train.” They still stare at me blankly and now I am pissed. These doors are gonna close soon and I will be stuck on the T one more stop and then I’ll either have to get off at another stop and take the T back to State or I’d have to walk…which was what I was trying to avoid in the first place!

My tone now changes. I am now irritated at these f*cking idiots “YOU NEED TO GET OFF, LET ME OFF AND GET BACK ON!” The mom and son get off but leave their 500 pack of f*cking Huggies in my way. I am wearing a pencil skirt so it’s not like I can just leap over it. My legs can’t spread out enough to climb over. Pencil skirts are hot but try leaping over things and it’s all over and I wasn’t about to take a spill on the train platform for everyone to see and for my freshly cleaned outfit to get filthy!

I stare at the 500 pack of Huggies. “I NEED TO GET OFF!!!!!” I scream at them. Now people behind me are getting mad. “YOU NEED TO MOVE.” Someone screams behind me. The gramma kicks the 500 pack of Huggies off the train and I plow through along with the rest of the people behind me. “Thank youuuuuuuuu” I say as I whiz by the mom and son not even sure if they even speak English at this point.

So, people…when you are on the train, I don’t care (actually no one cares) if you have a stroller or a baby. You move! You get the f*ck out of the way of a door that is THE ONLY DOOR THAT LETS PEOPLE OFF!!!!!! And also, when you purchase things that are monstrosities, like a 500-bagilion pack of Huggies, for instance, be smart enough to not take it on a rush hour train, or if your kid is out of the stroller, throw it in there. It’s common sense people! I have brought large items on the train before but I certainly did not make it anyone else’s problem.

So, what have we learned from today’s train etiquette lesson?

·         Get the f*ck out of the way

·         Don’t carry 500-bagilion packs of Huggies on rush hour trains

Train Etiquette 101:

Train Etiquette Tip #1- Hygiene

Prior to stepping on the train, make sure your hygiene is in check. No one wants to smell booze sweating out your pours or the peppers and onions you cooked for dinner last night. Take a shower, brush your teeth, do what ever is necessary to remove foul smells from your body.

Train Etiquette Tip #2- Hygiene (Continued)

Take care of your hygiene before you leave for your trip or morning commute. Shaving, clipping your nails or licking the bleeding cut on your knee are not acceptable on the train. I have to breathe in the air in which your shavings disperse into, walk on the floor your nail clippings fall on and the bleeding knee… please, no one wants to look at that. Ask for a tissue. I’m sure someone has one!

Train Etiquette Tip #3- Give Up Your Seat

I am not saying that men need to give up their seats for the ladies (although, that would be nice), I am saying nothing irritates me more than seeing a pregnant woman, elderly or a disabled person standing while many able bodied people are sitting. To really add fuel to the fire, sit in the designated seat for elderly and/or disabled people. Give up your seat people! It’s just mean to let an older woman on crutches stand on a moving train trying to keep her balance while an able bodied young 20-something sits in the disabled/elderly seat (I witnessed this last week).    

Train Etiquette Tip #4- Children

While children can be the absolute cutest thing, your child screaming is not. Please don’t sit there with your nose buried in the Harpers Bazaar ignoring your screaming kid. Just because you have figured out how to tune out your kid, doesn’t mean the rest of the train has. At least if you are making an effort to sooth your kid, it’s not so annoying.

Train Etiquette Tip #5- Boarding

When boarding a train, stand back and allow the passengers to get off the train first. Don’t try to push yourself through the crowd. This does not secure you a better spot it just makes you look like a jerk.

Train Etiquette Tip #6- Disembarking the Train

If, when disembarking the train you are one of those people that like to hop up as the train is coming to a stop and go running down the aisle you need to know this: If someone stands up and wishes to get out of their seat also, don’t plow them down. Stop and allow them into the aisle too.

Train Etiquette Tip #7- Sleeping

Do not sleep on the train if you are a:

·        Snorer

·        Sleep talker

·        Sleep walker

·        Sleep Snuggler

No one wants to hear you snoring or speaking sweet nothings to no one and by all means, we do not want you snuggling up to us!

Train Etiquette Tip #8- Music

We all love our musical devices. However, keep it at a level that only you can hear. I don’t need to hear “You look better with the lights off” or “Freak on a leash” at 7am.

Train Etiquette Tip #9- TMI (Too Much Info)

We do not need to hear all about your love affairs or how last night so and so hooked up with so and so on the dance floor. Sure the person on the other end of the phone needs to hear this vital information. However, no one on the train needs to hear this over sharing.

Train Etiquette Tip #10- PDA (Public Displays of Affection)

Do not… I repeat- DO NOT start making out on a sardine packed train (or any train for that matter). I do not need to feel like I am seconds away from an unwanted Menage A Trois!