Unless You Are Mistress Phone Guy, Take Your Phone Off Speaker

It’s one thing to be on the phone on the train. It’s kinda rude but sometimes you just have to do it. It’s another thing to be on SPEAKER phone on the train!

This is how it went down:

“Hi Honey. I’m on the train.”

I hear the speaker phone say “Ok. I am stuck in traffic on 28. I might be late picking you up.” I am shocked. Why the hell is it necessary to have your phone on speaker phone? Strangers do not need to hear your entire convo! (Although when I was stuck next to Mistress Phone Guy (Click here to refresh your memory), speaker phone would have rocked!!)

“That’s ok Honey. I can wait inside for you. What should we have for dinner? I thawed out a few steaks.”

Honey replies on speaker phone “Whatever you’d like to make for a side is fine with me.”

I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to hear your mundane after work convo. Boring!!

So, what did we learn today? Unless you are Mistress Phone Guy, I don’t want to hear the other end of your convo on speaker phone!  

Meet Mistress Phone Guy

For a while every morning on my way into the city, I’d some how manage to sit near who I call, Mistress Phone Guy. His phone would ring and he would pick it up and loudly proclaim sweet nothings into it. I would always wonder why on earth would a guy with a wedding band on have to phone in sweet nothings at seven in the morning to his wife that he just left. He did this every day.

I was discussing it over with a friend and she suggested that he was talking to his mistress. Think about it, it’s the only time of the day where he is unaccounted for, yet accounted for. He can tell his wife that train etiquette doesn’t allow for him to talk on the phone. However, if he isn’t in the quiet car and doesn’t mind pissing off a few coffee deprived people, he can chat it up with the mistress and no one would know the wiser.

A few weeks of having to endear rides of sweet nothings, over heard from a few seats over, I hear what I would say is sh*t hitting the fan!

“What do you mean they said they saw us out?” Long pause. “They are going to give my wife a heart attack! This can’t go on! This has to end now…” he goes on loudly in a panicked voice. It seems as though Mistress Phone Guy doesn’t just chit chat with his mistress. He takes her out and now someone he knows has spotted him with her.

The next day I sit down and he isn’t on the phone. I figured he ended things the day before so I can finally read my book in peace. Not the case. His phone rings. He fumbles to pick it up quickly. PS. Who leaves their ring on on the train? Put it on vibrate! Moving on- “Hello?” he answers almost questioning the caller. His face grows furious! “Listen! I told you it was over. We have been spotted and my wife will have a heart attack if she finds out. We weren’t careful enough and now it has to end.” He hangs up the phone and everyone is looking at him like he has six heads. Who is this guy and why is he airing his dirty laundry out on the train in front of strangers?

The phone rings again. “Listen to me! We are OVER! OHHH-VEEE-EEEEE-ARRRE OVER! You got that? If you don’t leave me alone, I will call the police. I mean it!” he hangs up again and the phone rings. He hits ignore.

Mistress Phone Guy has been sulking the last few weeks. I really think once this blows over he will find a new mistress that is “more discrete” but only time will tell.