Spandex Lady Really Loves Her Outfit

Let me preface this by saying that two weeks ago, prior to my vacation, I wore gladiator sandals. Remember the shoes I was going to hell for…ya…those ones. I wore them to break them in before all of my New Orleans walking began. There is nothing worse than a blister on vaca. I know! I know! What happened to my “no open toed shoes on the train policy”? Well, I took my chances because I had to break in my new shoes.

So, today Spandex Lady is making progress with her fashion. She had on her spandex capris along with her butterfly pajama dress. However, she ditched the wedge sandals and wore…you guessed it…gladiators! I am secretly wondering if this is the red hat all over again. She’s taking my fashion and pairing it with her stupid late 90’s-slash-early 2000’s fashion. B*tch! Although, I’ll give her credit, she is making strides on the fashion front. All we have to do now is convince her that nighties aren’t worn in public!

Boston You're My Home

So, it has either been a really boring week on the train or I went on vacation. That’s probably what you’re all thinking, if in fact you missed me. Anyway, I took off to good old New Orleans! Checked that one off the buck list!

New Orleans was definitely a good time. However, they noticeably have a different way of life down there. For instance, they walk at the pace of snails (drove me nuts). They have spicy food and love their seafood even more (survived on Beignet’s, Salad and Chicken Tenders). Their piano bar musicians don’t know how to play “Love That Dirty Water” (Shocking! I know!) and they look at you funny when you go over the top with the “Bamp Bamp Baahs” in “Sweet Caroline”. Last but not least, they have a Trolley system!

The trolley was fun. They are vintage…circa 1935. For you fact checkers, I am quoting a tour guide. Also, said tour guide mentioned that during Hurricane Katrina, the trolleys were ruined. When they went to order parts for them, there weren’t any to be had so, the machinist welded all new custom parts. He said they were as good, if not better than new! While I was there I didn’t see one broken down trolley in 100 degree heat (Another difference from Boston…our T’s break down ALL the time!).  

After the tour guide talked up the trolleys and we had a trek across town to Frenchman Street from Bourbon twice in one day, we decided to buy a day pass. These things were awesome! The windows were open and you had a great river breeze coming through on a hot summer day. It glided by the French Market and Jackson Square as we made our way over to the US Mint. Ok, Ok…don’t make fun of my inner nerd! I used to work for a coin dealer and this stuff is just cool! At the mint I saw coins from the 1860’s that were recovered, unscratched from a ship wreck (among other cool things).

Later that evening we needed to take the trolley again to get over to a Big Band Show at Snug Harbor. It was amazing or at least because I am not an educated saxophone music snob...AKA my lovely husband (he just closed the browser)...I thought it was amazing. As we made our way over to the show we grabbed a couple RockStars (a vital vacation must have, especially when just down the block from your hotel, they are shooting the movie “American Heist” and at the crack of dawn every day until about 8 at night they have gun shoot out scenes that prevent you from sleeping). We open our RockStars and head toward the trolley. We get yelled at before even entering the trolley “You can’t have those in here! Finish ‘em or wait.” Says the trolley driver.

She closes the door and takes off in her trolley leaving us behind to finish our drinks. We are confused. We had Café Americana’s on the Trolley this morning so why can’t we have a drink on the trolley now? Does she think it’s a FourLoco? I mean you can walk with an open container in New Orleans so maybe she thought it was that. Now that the Fourloco thought crossed my mind, I am pissed because I look all pretty and dressed up to go see a nice Big Band and she thinks I’m carrying a FourLoco! GRR!

Once, we are done our RockStars and board another trolley, we head down toward Frenchman. As we get off the trolley, we are informed of the last pick up time, otherwise we were walking back. I guess that doesn’t differ from Boston. They shut down and you’re screwed. After the Big Band show, we scurried back to the train stop to make the last train of the evening. It was perfect timing and my feet were happy we didn’t have to walk.

All in all, I had a great time but Boston is my home where people walk fast, I don’t have to worry about exotic fish showing up in my food and spice is only spicy if you want it that way. Cheers!

Cranky-Pants Conductor Turned Nice

Happy Friday everyone! My Friday started in a cheerful way and it made my morning because it was so unexpected. The normally crank-pants conductor who is usually yelling at people to not block the doors, to slide over and let people sit and to just get the hell out of his way, was in a good mood today.

Every morning I get my pass out and when he comes by I say “Good Morning.” He usually looks down at me and goes “Mmmmm Thanks.” In a “ya whatever” tone.

Today, on the other hand, I get out my pass and say “Good Morning” just like every other day and he looks down and says in a chipper voice “Thanks Sweetie!” HA! I broke him down and he is finally nice to me. Do you know how big this is? BIG! It means he finally recognizes me as a regular every day train commuter. Oh yaaaa! I guess being nice and persistent pays off.

A Spandex Update

So, this morning I notice miss Fancy-Spandex-Pants herself wearing yet another pair of spandex pants. However, this time, I notice that she has a dress on and it is covering everything I don't want to see. I am happy that she is grasping the concept of spandex pants and then I look closer at the dress. It's the same pattern and material as my new butterfly pajama's. LADY! You were so close! I said wear a dress with your spandex to work not a nighty! She'll get it one of these days!

Spandex is not a right it's a privilege!

Shape-Ups Are a Fraud

(Picture Courtesy of Sketchers)

So, for those of you who remember my extreme dislike for Shape-Ups...I have been right all along! There is NO evidence proving that these shoes in fact work. AND Have you EVER seen a person that is "in shape" actually wearing Shape-Ups (the ads don't count) because I haven't! If you see one, get a picture of this rare creature because it's about as rare as seeing Big-Foot!

Today, I saw an article that proves my theory that Shape-Ups are just shoes that make you look like you are getting ready to take off for your trip to outer-fucking space instead of shaping and toning your body. Read article here: Skechers sends out $40 million in refund checks

And for those of you that do not remember my obsession- let me refresh your memory:

Meet Shape Ups Chick

Shape ups Chick Still Shape Ups Chick

So, there you have it! HA! Shape Ups are a fraud and there is 40 Million in checks going out to defrauded customers to prove it! Have a great day everyone! I know I will be basking in my victory!!!

I am Going to Shoe Hell

This has nothing to do with the train but I figured I’d share with you all how I am going to shoe HELL! I went to Starbucks and grabbed a Frappuccino since it is finally hot enough to enjoy one! I then proceeded to DSW because I was on a mission. I needed black sandals that were NOT flip flops! I searched the entire store and then found THE perfect pair! I HAD TO HAVE THIS PAIR!!! Another girl is grabbing a box. She grabs a seven and a half. Now it’s my turn to search for my size which also happens to be a seven and a half. There aren’t any more seven and a half’s. This girl has THE LAST PAIR!

I glance at her as she is trying on the shoes. Her mother is with her and wants to go. Her mother does not want to be shopping right now. The girl looks up at her mother. “What do you think?” she says.

“I don’t like. Can we go now?” says the mom.

The girl then turns to me and says “What do you think?”

As nonchalantly as I could, I say “Eh! They’re OK!”

“Can we go now?” says the mom.

They pack up the shoes back in the box and put them on the shelf. I then start circling the section where the shoes are. I am being careful not to stray too far from them in case someone else is after them. I try to inconspicuously watch the two ladies as they head down the escalator. As soon as they are out of sight, I grab the shoes, try them on and high tail it to the cash register! THEY ARE MINE…AND I AM GOING TO SHOE HELL FOR THIS!

My Precious-Out and About

(Lord of the Rings)

There is this guy that I see in the evenings on the way home from work on the train. He is probably in his 70’s and he usually falls asleep in a praying position and I have nick named him for quick reference in my head as “My Precious”. He just looks like he is going to wake up at any moment and say in that little gremlin voice ”Myyy Preciousss” and I’m thinkin’ it’s because of his comb over paired with his thin physic that looks eerily similar to “My Precious”. He works every day. He falls asleep on the ride home every day.

When we get off the train, I am always surprised that he doesn’t miss his stop. He wakes up just in time and gets off the train. His wife always picks him up at the bottom of the hill. It’s so cute but I always wonder what the circumstances are for his working every day. He is always so tired. Maybe he’s a professor and loves the job, maybe he has to work. Who knows?

That being said, this weekend I decided to take myself to a play on Saturday. My husband was away for the weekend and I took the Saturday to myself for some much needed down time. I saw that Guys and Dolls was playing only four miles from my house. I had always wanted to see it so…Jackpot! I didn’t have to drive or take the train into the city. I could just pop over to the next town and take in a play that I’ve been meaning to see for a while.

I checked in at will-call and grabbed my ticket. I was seated in the balcony. It was getting close to the starting time and noticed two empty seats in the front row, center stage that were still open. Immediately after I noticed them, I saw an usher guiding an elderly couple to those seats. I did a double take, I recognized him from the train! I never really put much thought into it but when you see these people every day on the train, you don’t really think about running in to them anywhere else.

Once I recognized that he was from the train, I realized it was “My Precious”! I smiled to myself in my seat from the balcony. It warmed my heart to see such a cute couple still out on a Saturday night at the theatre watching Guys and Dolls! He treks into the city every day and is exhausted every night. I was so glad to see he was enjoying some time with his adorable wife front and center no less!  

Walk of Shame and Fashion No-No's

So, apparently this week I have a theme…Fashion No-No’s!

While walking from North Station to the T, I see this girl ahead of me wearing 6 inch red wedge espadrilles. I immediately love them and think they are oh-so cute. However, when you look like you are walking like a baby deer that was just born, it is no longer super cute or sexy to be wearing those red espadrilles. If you can’t walk in them like you own that runway (or sidewalk, or street…whatever you may be walking on), you just look like an idiot.

After seeing her baby fawn walking moves down the sidewalk, I look up to see what the rest of her outfit is and oh-em-gee! This girl is a fashion train wreck! She is wearing a white mini skirt with a slit in the back that goes so high that you can practically see her hoo-ha. Then, she is wearing a see through long sleeve collared shirt with nothing but a bra under it. Ok, rules of fashion, you get to show off only one part of your body at a time. You’re legs or your mid-section but not both. AND PS: Don’t wear those see through shirts that everyone seems to be wearing lately without a chic tank top under them!

As I get closer to her to pass her (because I am walking like I “own the sidewalk” and not like a baby fawn), I notice that she has two slightly off-yellow stains on the back of her skirt. OK, now I feel bad for her. I am no longer thinking in my head that this is not an appropriate Thursday morning work outfit; this is clearly a girl who is doing the walk of shame.

For those of you not familiar with the term “Walk of Shame”, here it is from the Urban Dictionary:

	n. the course walked home after a night of boozing and fucking. one usually wears either the clothes they went out in (eg. short skirt and heels) or the clothing of the person they slept with (eg.a large white t-shirt)the morning after and everyone notices they have the "I was fucked up last night" look and am now walking home from the guy-I- fucked's house.

Spandex is not a right! It’s a privilege!

www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

Spandex is not a right! It’s a privilege! That being said, this lady at the train station that JUST rubs me the wrong way decided to wear spandex to work today. First of all, I’d like to know what the hell kind of professional 9-5 job she has where she can wear spandex.

Let me explain WHY she rubs me the wrong way. Ok, I love my hats! LOVE my hats! In the winter I have an entire plethora of hats that I like to wear to match my outfits/pea coats. Well, on Valentine’s Day, I wore this super cute deep red fedora. I over hear as I am walking up to the platform “Who does she think she is in her fancy pants hat?” Well, lady, I heard ya! I smiled because in fancy pants hats, what else are you going to do? The very next day, February 15^th, she is wearing a RED HAT! Pissed me right off. Ever since then, she rubs me the wrong way! They say that copying is a form of flattery and yes, yes it is! However, not when you first make fun of me and THEN copy me. That’s not how it works. HA!

Back to the spandex! This woman is wearing black spandex leggings that go to her mid-calf, a black tank top and wedge flip flops. This is not a flattering outfit on ANYONE! Especially when the spandex is acting like the Hoover Damn trying to hold it all in and the tank top is so tight that it hugs her rolls. Yes, black is slimming but not when it accents your flab. There is spanx for that. I hear they work wonders! And wedge flips flops? Please! Those are so out! What is this? The year 2000?

That being said, I have no problem with people being overweight. It’s their choice, their circumstances, their well-being. Not mine. However, there is a classy way to do it and a trashy way to do it. This is the trashy!

So, when you wear spandex, ponder these tips:

·         When you weigh in at about 300 pounds, spandex is not your friend.

·         When you put on a pair of spandex leggings and they are stretched so far that I can see the pigment of your skin, you shouldn’t wear spandex.

·         When you wear spandex leggings, a tank top does not suffice as sufficient coverage.

·         There is nothing left to the imagination when you wear spandex.

·         Wear a dress to cover the lady bits that I don’t want to see. Especially, considering that the leggings are stretched so far beyond their capacity that they now look like tights. I am also pretty sure that there is some unspoken rule that anyone, no matter your size, that wears spandex pants has to wear a long swishy shirt to at least cover the lower part of your buttocks.

·         Last but not least and this one should go without saying: If you are a man…don’t wear spandex.

Sparkly Dollar Coins

So, after hearing many people say I should get Sacajawea coins instead of dollar bills for my parking fee, I went and got myself three rolls of them. It was quite the “to do” in the bank. I asked for Sacajawea coins and the woman who speaks broken English behind the desk looked at me funny. I then asked for dollar coins. Still not grasping it. Then it clicks. “OHHH You mean sparkly dollar coins? No?”

“Yes! Yes! Sparkly dollar coins!” I say excited she now gets it.

A branch manager comes over and she asks him for “Sparkly Dollar Coins” and he  had to go into the safe and retrieve three rolls of them. After doing so, he gave me his card and said that in the future I can give him a ring before I come so that he can have all my coinage ready for me. I felt special! It’s probably to save him time and to not be put on the spot but still, I got the card of the branch manager and can call him for my out-of-the-ordinary currency needs.

It’s been about a week and a half or so since I have started using the coins at the train station. I have loved it! I don’t have to count out four- one dollar bills in advance and origami that sh*t in order to get it in the parking payment “machine”. I loved it until this morning that is!

This morning, running slightly behind, I parked on the other side of the train station and didn’t park in my normal spot. I get to the parking “machine” with my four “sparkly dollar coins” and go to put them in the slot. There is a jam!! Yup! A Jam! I can’t get my “sparkly dollar coins” in the slot. I am panicking because if I can’t get them in, I could get a ticket and I am not going to go and move my car. I take the little special “ram rod” thingy attached to the "machine" and start poking at the slot. It finally clears and I get one coin in. Then I try the next. NOPE! Jammed again. I have to alternate “ram rod”, “sparkly dollar coin”, “ram rod”, “sparkly dollar coin” and so on…

Now I’m thinking my origami one dollar bills aren’t all that bad. ORRR I could just avoid parking in parking spot # 126. Have a happy fourth everyone!!

Had To Save the Feet!

Friday I miss my train by 2 minutes! That’s it! Two minutes. I left my office at 5:21. I have 9 minutes to make my train. I could either run eight tenths of a mile in 90 plus degree heat or I could take the T and chance it.

I took the T. I went in the State Street entrance and as I am coming down to the platform, a train pulls in. I totally have a shot at making my train now! We all pile into the T and head towards North Station. We stop at Haymarket and no one gets off. The doors close and I am psyched that we are on our way. Every last second counts right now.

As we approach North Station, people start lining up at the door in their “On your mark. Get set. GO!” stances. People are already telling people to get out of their way so they can run to the train. I look down at my feet and realize I have flip flop gladiators on. I am sporting flip flop gladiators because I was a dancing diva at a wedding the previous weekend and obtained some awesome blisters (and by awesome, I really mean hideous and painful) and the only shoes that would avoid making my blisters worse were flip flop gladiators.

I am instantly bummed. I am probably not going to make my train. I refuse to run amongst the herds in open toed shoes… period and I will tell you why.

A few years back, I was in a similar situation. Everyone was in the “On your mark. Get set. GO!” stance on the train. Including me! As the doors opened, we all dart out toward the escalator. I am almost to the top when a guy in a suit throws me out of his way and my foot got jammed in the escalator. My big toe got mangled! I continued on running and  I did make my train that particular day. I was so enraged with adrenaline that I pushed through my pain to make the train. There was no way I was getting an injury like that and being left behind on the platform. NO WAY!

When I took my seat on the train that day, I grabbed a tissue from my purse and threw it over my toe. I am squeamish so that was all I could do. I didn’t feel like passing out on the train so I waited until I got home to deal with it.

After I got home and cleaned up my toe, I was a hobbling mess. I informed my husband that after dinner that night, we’d be going out to purchase a pair of steal toed boots. He then told me that I was over reacting and that steal toed boots didn’t exactly go with skirt suits. In the name of fashion, I agreed with him and we settled on finding a cute pair of rubber toed tennis shoes.

Since that day, no matter how hot it is, I have worn closed toed shoes every day! Every day until last week! So, to reduce further injury to my feet on Friday, I speed walked to the platform behind the herd of runners from the T and I missed the train by the skin of my teeth. My big toe thanked me but my weekend started about 20 minutes later than usual. I guess ya gotta do whatcha gotta do!