This morning I hop on the later train heading in to the city because I was running a little behind. My theory during rush hour is to grab the first seat I see because you don’t know if you’ll see another one. So, I hop on a double decker and the first seat is in the entry before the split along the wall. I sit down with an empty seat next to me. SCORE!
OK… I thought I had scored until the next stop…LYNN! UGH! This homeless guy with a Styrofoam coffee cup and an unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth gets on with a few dirty bags and a couple “walking sticks”. He sees the seat next to me and unfolds it and plops all his stuff down. He sits next to me and his cigarette smelling clothes are touching mine. NOT OK WITH THIS!
After he is situated and touching me he sees that there is a bathroom across from us. “A bathroom. That’s perfect. I gotta take a sh*t!” He puts his Styrofoam coffee cup full of bad coffee down on the floor, rearranges his belongings to save his seat and heads to the bathroom. This is now my opportunity to get away. I grab my bag and look around for another seat but there isn’t anything open so I sit back down.
Just as I sit back down, the train jerks from a switch in the tracks and the door to the bathroom goes flying open and there he is…making a poop face while sitting on the toilet. YOU CAN’T UNSEE THAT FACE! He doesn’t even try to close the door! I refused to get up and close it for him so I just stair deep into my phone! Thank god for my phone! I wanted to read my book but sometimes when you are reading, people assume you can put the book down to talk but a phone…no one expects you to put down the phone and chat! He finishes whatever the heck he is doing and THANKFULLY before wiping, he closes the door again.
I try to find another seat AGAIN but the train is packed so I am stuck where I am. He finally comes out of the bathroom and shuts the door. It smells…I want to do my lotion trick (Lotion up my hands and stick them under my nose) but I am too afraid that if I put down the phone that he’ll talk to me. He was already talking to the air/ himself so I couldn’t take any chances so I decide to breathe in and out of my mouth and throw everything I just learned about yoga out the window (breathe in and out of your nose)!
The train conductor finally comes by and checks my ticket and the homeless guy starts telling the conductor how he just took an awesome dump in the bathroom. First time he’s gone to the bathroom on the commuter train and he loved it. Even had hand soap which he needed because “it was messy”! TMI buddy! Now I am gagging and can’t even finish my good coffee!
The conductor walks away to go check more tickets and this guy continues talking. My phone is about an inch from my face. I refused to make eye contact and by keeping the phone close, I felt I was shielded. Now the guy just keeps talking to himself. He’s rambling. Since I was pretending to be occupied on my phone, I just started typing his convo to himself.
“I’m going to China. Got a jet waiting for me. Brought all my sh*t to Chinatown to pre-payah. “
“I got my bag of dope right he-yah. I’m waiting though cuz I’m gonna see what the phah-macy has for me. Trust those mow-ah ya know? I rather those drugs than crack. Safer. Nevah know what they put in crack these days…”
“We need gas masks! Yes… all of us. We’ll need them. I hope you need them some day.”
Then some poor guy in khakis and a blue polo decides he will use the bathroom. (PS I never see anyone use the bathroom on the commuter rail and now…twice in one day!) The guy goes in and secures the door fully closed. He is in there a few minutes and comes on out and closes the door behind him.
The homeless guy turns to him “What were you doing in they-ah? You were choking the chicken weren’t ya? Weren’t ya!? You were in they-ah a little too long! I know you were jackin’ off.”
The whaspy guy ignores him and goes back to his seat (DAMN IT! I should have taken his while he was in there…too late now). The homeless guy follows him screaming “This guy just jacked off in the bathroom. See that smile on his face…it’s cuz he was jacking offfffffff!” The “jack off guy” sits down and the homeless guy comes back to his seat.
“No one laughed. That’s funny! I know that’s funny. No one laughed.” He tries to get me to talk but I keep my head in my phone. “Fine! You guys are all gonna go to your fancy offices and talk by the water cool-ah about some crazy guy on the train. That’s what you guys are all gonna do huh?!”
Finally the train got in to North Station and I thought to myself…no water cooler talk for me but you made the blog buddy!