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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Meet Chef Boyardee

Chef Boyardee is the bachelor of bachelors. I am not saying this because he is quite the catch. In fact it is quite the opposite. This is the kind of bachelor that will remain a bachelor because he is content with how he is. It would almost be a challenge for a woman to “tame” him, if you will.

Let’s paint a picture of who Chef Boyardee is. He is a gruff man. His hair is slightly on the shaggy side, his beard is short but not groomed all that often. He wears bright blue Wrangler jeans with motorcycle boots and a matching motorcycle jacket. The jacket is a nice heavy black leather jacket that you know weighs 20 pounds. It has crisscrossed stitching up the sides and looks pretty bad a*s. It’s a great jacket really. It just seems out of place in the middle of winter while waiting for a train.

He enjoys his one last cigarette before heading to the city in the parking lot before hiking up the stairs to the platform of the train (can’t smoke on the platform). Every day with out fail, he is holding a can of Chef Boyardee! He doesn’t put it in a bag or try to conceal it; he just holds it in his hand with his kindle. He cracks me up every time I see him with his can of Chef Boyardee, his cigarette and his biker jacket.  Now that’s a man that just doesn’t give a crap what anyone thinks of him.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Don't Do Your Make-Up on the Commuter Rail!

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies!! This isn't as bad as shaving on the train. However, don't do your make up on the train. Not that I mind it's just that when the train slams on the breaks for the next stop, you better not be putting lipstick or mascara on unless you want red smeared all over your face or a mini wire brush stuck in your eye. I never thought anything of women putting their make up on on the train. A little cover up and powder is fine. However, when it comes to colors and brushes, you're better safe than sorry.

This morning a woman sitting near me was putting her make up on. She powdered her nose no problem then reached for the lipstick. This lipstick wasn't just a natural, neutral color it was bright pink! The train stopped to pick up people from the next train station and the woman lost her balance and smeared, hot pink lipstick all over her face. She looked like that lady on the Little Caesars commercial where a boy takes a slice of pizza on the flight with him, the cheese gets caught on the ground somehow, the old lady is putting on her lipstick and snap, the plane is pulled back to earth because of the cheese and the lady applying lipstick has it all over her face.

The woman on the train sat for the remainder of the train ride trying to hide her face and dab the hot pink off of it. So, note to self ladies, don't apply colorful make up on the train. Wait until you have arrived safely at the station.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Hitler Mad About Fare Hikes

This one posted by the Boston Phoenix is freakin' funny. Not that I like Hitler but this is pretty brilliant :)
Click the link below for Youtube Video:

Hitler Mad About Fare Hikes

Happy Monday

This morning on the train was a hectic one. To begin with, it's the first day back from February vacation for many. This means that the train was packed this morning. From the get go it was full. I sat down and was catching up on emails and forgot to get out my train pass. This is when all those times of being nice to the conductor pay off, he walks right by me and I look up and say "I'm sorry. Let me get my pass." he says back "I know you're good." H*ll ya! He know's I'm good for it. Made my morning that he recognized that I am a regular commuter now!!

We get to North Station and everyone piles out of the train and heads toward the T. Since it was freezing out this morning, everyone had the same idea to hop on the T. The first train came in and only one person got on. This one person was a normal sized person. We all continute to wait and the loud speaker goes on that the Green Line was having issues. So, people from the Green Line side hop on over to wait for the Orange Line which was already packed. I had been the first person to start waiting at the Orange line and felt that I at least should get a spot on the next train. The train pulled in and few people got off. Then, out of no where some guy runs into the train and packs himself in. Another over weight woman flies into the train whipping a poor man with her bag. I realized if I didn't get on then, I wasn't getting on now. I packed my way in and didn't care who was mad at me. They all were there after me and they can wait just like I did. I get on and am the last to make it. The over weight woman's friend is pissed. She yells "Well FINE! I'll see you later then!" to her friend and gives me the look of death. I hate to say it but just because your friend cut off everyone doesn't mean you get to be an a*s with her. Happy Monday! This week shall be interesting with everyone back to work.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Fat Bastard Strikes Again...

This woman irritates me to no end. As I am waiting for the T to come in to North Station in the first row of people on the platform, I see Miss Fat Bastard waddle up behind me. As the train pulls in, she waddles right by me and waits in front of the door. Usually you step to the side of the door so people can get off the train before you enter, which I was doing. However, Fat Bastard just stood there and made them go around her. After 5 people get off the sardine packed train, Fat Bastard hops on and that's it! One person gets on the train at that door during rush hour! Is she for real? If you are going to be morbidly obese, you should be considerate. Hmm, either 5 people could get on or I could get on? Gee, I wonder what is appropriate? The train pulled away and everyone on the platform was baffled. Did that really just happen? We all were stuck waiting for the next train to come get us. And one more thing, when you are morbidly obese, why on earth would you wear a poncho? Poncho's only triangulate your body and make you look like a blob. It even makes skinny people look like blobs so why would you make yourself look like a big fat weeble?

Pictured below is the train pulling away as we are left on the platform. Boo!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Pepper Spray to the Rescue!

Today is the first day ever that I actually felt threatened in the T. Every other day seems pretty lah-tee-dah because I am with a whole bunch of people like a heard of sheep. However, today I had to return my DVD to the Redbox machine. In North Station, the Redbox machine is on the back side of the normal flow of traffic. Once you are on that side, you are out of site from everyone, including the MBTA police officer. When I cut behind to go to the machine there was a thug standing at the Nivea machine (yes, a machine designated just to lip balm). I immediately thought that it was odd that a street thug would be purchasing lip gloss from a machine. I opened my purse to grab the DVD and he get’s up really close to me, as in, he is in my personal bubble. He reaches out toward my purse. I see him out of the corner of my eye. I was watching him carefully because of the strange lip-gloss-street-thug situation. Instead of grabbing the DVD, I grab my pepper spray which is always at the top of my purse.

He sees the pepper spray in my hand as I am moving the safety lock with my thumb. He back’s away slowly. I grab the DVD with my other hand maintaining my grip on the spray. After he slowly backed away, he rounded the corner blending in with the heard. It was a close call. I honestly think that had I not had the pepper spray right there, my purse and my world, would have been gone! He was goin’ in for the grab and was strategically waiting on the back side of traffic where no one would see until it was too late.

This was at 8am! Crimes can happen at any time so always be ready to defend, even if it is just grabbing a tiny little spray at the top of your purse.  

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Big City

Well, it is definitely February vacation in Massachusetts this week. The usual professionals riding the train have been replaced with children and casually dressed people. This morning on the platform I saw a couple awaiting the train to Boston. They had duffel bags and were ready to go exploring the city. It's funny because people that don't go to the city every day are excited. This woman with her pink duffel bag and her Dunkin Donut's coffee in hand was practically jumping out of her skin. It was so cute. Her boyfriend was bringing her to the "big city" and she was cherishing it. I forget how great Boston is and take for granted that on any given day I can stroll over to the North End and grab a canolli, meet for fabulous martini's after a long day of work or go shopping at great places on my lunch break. What's funny is that before I was in the city every day, I was just like that lady with the pink duffel bag... excited to get the chance to go to the city. I wish I had that kind of excitement every day because I shouldn't be taking for granted this great city. Although, every time I see a great view from my office, like a breath taking sunset or the community sail boats buzzing about in the Charles, I think to myself "I did this! I am here!" but when I am not looking out the window, I get easily distracted by my "extremely busy-nonstop-never a dull moment" kinda day.

From now on, I need to bring the excitement back to being in the city. I think I am going to make it a point to try something new each week. This week I will start with Haymarket! I have always wanted to go through there and get my fresh produce but I "don't have time" to. I am throwing the excuses out the window and am going to make it happen. So, fellow professionals, don't get caught up in the daily grind.  Make something special happen either big or small each week and don't take for granted the great city we are in.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Move Over

This morning I encountered a newby. As the people boarded at Winchester Center and filter down the aisle, I hear a man state to another "You have to ask them to move in otherwise, they don't move in." I looked up as I heard this and the guy asks me to move in, which I do and become a Mea-Sandwich. However, being sandwiched between two skinny people today, I didn't mind.

So, about this "if you don't ask, we don't move in" business. I have felt bad for many people who board the packed train and I have slid in automatically to make room for them in my early days of commuting and the people blew right by me like I smelled or was crazy. Then, once everyone had blown by me and the train starts moving I just look like I am just trying to get up close and personal with the other person in the three seater. So yes, I tried to be nice and move in without being asked but it didn't work. Now I wait for someone to ask me to be sure I need to actually scooch over.

I tried to be polite but we do it to ourselves, we look at the polite ones like there is something wrong with them but if you show that you're a hardened individual, your seat becomes a hot commodity. I don't get it but being nice makes you look crazy and being hardened makes you normal.

Friday, February 17, 2012

This Girl Has Balls

As I'm waiting to board the T at State, people are disembarking the train and we, on the platform are waiting patiently. Some girl comes running out of no where and darts on to the T cutting everyone waiting so nicely. Woman are shreeking "Balls! What balls! Can you believe her? " This girl that cut in front of all of us at 5 O'Clock on a Friday is lucky she didn't get her hair ripped out or her eye balls clawed! I mean people are angry! Luckily everyone that was waiting got on the train so feathers didn't fly! Oh my word, Train etiquette tip- Don't cut everyone on the platform at 5pm on a Friday afternoon unless you plan on not making it home in one piece.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Back Pack- Back Pack

Last night was refreshingly pleasant. All the ladies on the train removed their sour puss faces for the night and put on glowing ones. Everyone seemed to be in happy moods. I boarded the T at State and a woman dressed head to toe in red turned to me and said “Let me take my back pack off so you can get on. It’s sticking out like three feet. We can get you on.”

“Wow!” I thought. Getting flowers really does wonders for people’s willingness to let you on a sardine packed T. She took her back pack off and held it in front of her. “Thank you. That is so nice of you.” I said as I squeezed in. She lifts her back pack up and points to a pin. The pin reads “This isn’t just a back pack. It’s my life.”

She says “This pin is so true!” I thought for a second and said “I never really thought about it but yes, it is! We city girls don’t have the trunk, glove box or back seat to throw necessities in. We have back packs” we both laughed and so did a few people around us.

Think about it. You are in the city walking around and most likely relying on public transportation. You need to have on you at all times an umbrella, your good shoes because you are wearing your “commuter shoes”, a spare pair of nylons, a reusable shopping bag (because you always want to be looking out for the environment, or at least looking like you are looking out for the environment), phone charger, a snack (so you aren’t tempted by cupcakes and bad for you items when you are starving), a pen, some paper, your laptop, a book or kindle, a water bottle (in case you start uncontrollably choking from the dry air… I have done it and will never be with out a beverage)… the list goes on! Our back packs really are our life! We aren’t fortunate enough to have a car at our finger tips so we don’t have to lug all that stuff around “incaseshit” happens but it is a small price to pay for being a city girl! J

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentines Day

This morning I woke up with my valentines outfit ready to go. Black pants, red top, red scarf and red purse. I assumed everyone would be in the valentine’s spirit. When I got to the train station and to the platform, I saw many business men with their usual navy, grey or black on. The women on the other hand were just like me, red, red, red! Red hats, red hair ties, red jackets, red purses…you name it, a girl had it on in red. It kind of got me laughing to myself a little bit. We ladies have such big expectations out of this day and the men, not so much. I know these guys have red ties. They are men with power. I have seen them wear them. So, why aren’t they wearing them today?

It got me thinking. “Why do we place so much on one day? Why can’t the love be spread out among all the days of the year. Do I look like a hopeless idiot with all my red on?” The string of thoughts kept going. “I don’t even like roses. In fact I hate them. The color red doesn’t even look that fabulous on me. A purse yes but a shirt, maybe not….” I finally get on the train. More and more women are in their red. Good. I’m not alone.

I guess what it comes down to is that if your man knows you well enough, he won’t get you roses. He’ll get you a bouquet of your favorite bloom or a bouquet of balloons. Or he will make the grand gesture of giving up his Bruins tickets to take you to dinner. (This is big for us Bostonians and yes, there is a game tonight!).

Since it is early in the morning, I am hoping as the day goes on the valentines spirit grows. I can’t wait to see the train ride home. I am hoping that people are in the spirit more than what they were this morning carrying home their valentine roses, bouquets, cheesy stuffed animals and chocolates. I am praying no one gets a balloon bouquet and if they get one, they leave it at the office. No one wants to be stuck on a train with a face full of balloons. Happy Valentines Day Everyone!!  I hope you enjoy your day!!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Double Decker Reality Check

This morning when the commuter train pulled in the station, everyone was absolutely ready to board. It was freezing cold and we needed to hop on the train quickly. This time, the train pulled in with a double decker train car. I walked in and almost went on the bottom floor but decided that it’s not every day that I get to ride into work with a higher point of view. It was pretty neat. As the train took off, I felt like I was in a movie where they film the person riding solo on a train escaping their troubles and reflecting upon what they will do next and that is exactly what I did.

My view improved tremendously being on the top car and I saw into the little towns instead of the normal street level view I had. It did actually give me time to reflect and reevaluate. It was pretty neat because I really needed a reality check. I came to the conclusion that my generosity with my time and money will be coming to a complete halt! It will be hard for me since I love to give. However, when my friends aren’t willing to be there for me when I need them the most, it has been a complete wake up call and I have decided I will no longer be a door mat. You do something nice for me for a change.

I am glad to have had that time on the double decker because had I been on my normal train ride down below, I would have buried my head in a book and not giving myself a chance to think. This is good. I am starting to see who is really there for me and who is superficially there for me. I am weeding out the good and the bad and it’s a wake up call I needed.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Cup Holders Please!

I think the commuter rail really needs cup holders! Every morning I hop on the train with my coffee in tow just like most people and every night I hop on the train with some sort of beverage as well. It is quite awkward to have to hold your drink while digging for your train pass to show the conductor. (Most of the time I am wearing a skirt or dress so between my legs doesn't work for me) I don't think I am the only one with this problem as today, a woman placed her coffee on the floor while digging through her purse to find her train pass. We managed to arrive at our next stop before she picked up her coffee and you guessed it, the coffee when flying down the aisle getting a few bags in it's path. So, please MBTA, i know you are in debt right now but I really want cup holders please.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Bull Fighting Jack A*s

As I board the T after work yesterday at State, a man that obviously had issues runs at the already sardine-packed train at full speed as if he was heading down a vaulting run way or as if he was a bull charging at a red scarf.

Another man in the doorway braces himself for the impact as he sees this whack job charging towards him. He screams at the bull “I am so sorry I got in YOUR way!” The man with issues wiggles his way into the train and finds a seat and is all smiles.

The guy standing next to me whispers to me “What a Jack A*s. He did the same thing yesterday too. He is on something for sure and one of these days he is going to charge at the wrong person.”

I turn around and whispered “Unbelievable.” As if I was disgusted with this kind of behavior. However, I thought it was rather funny to see someone charging at the train like a bull and then wiggle himself in.

The man with issues got death stares all the way from State to North Station.

Even though I found humor in this, I wasn’t the one getting charged. This shouldn’t even become a train etiquette tip. This is just common sense people- Don’t act like a bull jacked up on steroids to secure yourself a spot on the train because one day you might charge at the wrong person and find yourself on the recieving end of the charging!  

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

No Matter How Bad You Think You Have it, Someone Has it Worse

Yesterday I left work early because I was feeling under the weather. I was supposed to leave to catch the 12:10pm train but my boss needed me to do one last thing before I left. I ended up leaving my office at 12:10pm but I knew if I didn’t leave then, I’d also miss the 1:10pm train because I was wrapped up in another project. I hopped on the T and went to North Station to wait for my train.

I got to North Station and there weren’t many people there. However, there was one person on each of the benches and one bench was free. I took it and waited. A few minutes later a guy sits down next to me. He says “I’m sorry. I need to sit down to eat my pizza. I hope you don’t mind.” I moved my purse to my lap. This conversation threw me for a loop and it made me realize that no matter how bad I think I have it (being sick, chaotic schedule) someone else has it far worse!

This man was wearing what I call “dad jeans”, a Patriot’s sweatshirt, dingy white nike’s with bright white socks and a baseball cap that was clearly a freebie. He looked to me like he was older than my dad. He was aged and weathered. His cheeks looked burned from the sun.

“Thanks for clearing me a seat. I appreciate it.” He says to me grateful that I didn’t tell him to go away.
“No worries. I’d want to sit if I had a great slice of pizza too.” I reply.
“How are ya doin’ today?” He says.
“Doin’ ok. How about you?” I reply back.

This is what throws me for a loop. He looks pretty normal. He says “I am horrible. Just horrible.”
I think I hear him wrong but reply anyways “Well, you’re enjoying a slice of pizza. It can’t be that horrible.”
“Well, I’ve had it.” He says and turns to me to look me dead in the eyes. “I have had it.”
I don’t even know what to say. So, I say nothing.
“You see.” He goes on. “I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life that have led me to a dead end. I have no family. No friends. I am here in this city alone. I am technically homeless. If it doesn’t get better, I am going to take my life.”

I am floored. Take his life? Really? I am a complete stranger and he is telling me he is going to kill himself. “I am sure things will get better. They always do. Don’t give up.”  

“You’re right.” He says. “I just got approved to live at a shelter. I get a room tomorrow. I’ll give it to the end of the week. Then, I have a prescription that if I take the whole bottle and wash it down with tequila I won’t feel a thing. That’s how everyone wants to go. Not feeling a thing.”

“I don’t ever want to go to be honest. I really hope you don’t do that. There is light at the end of your tunnel and getting housing is just the beginning for you.”

“What do you do?”
“I am in investment banking.”
“See, you were smart and went to college and took the right path. I didn’t and I chose not to and I am paying for it now. This economy looks at my resume that is as wholly as Swiss cheese and they turn me away. I just need that one somebody to give me a chance. I am 51 years old. I can’t go to school now.”

Shocked that he is younger than my dad and now realizing that maybe some of those bad decisions he was talking about were maybe drugs and alcohol. “That’s when you start your own business. And it is never too late to go back to school and I know this economy is in the dumps right now but there is hope. There is an election coming up and this economy may not change over night but it will.”

People around us who were doing cross words before this conversation started are now only pretending to do the cross word. People who were reading before this conversation started haven’t flipped a page in a while. They are all tuned in.

The loud speaker goes off “…. Train to Haverhill now boarding” This isn’t my train but a guy sitting across from me who has large muscles and is wearing dark jeans and a fitted long sleeve T and work boots is getting up to board it. He mouths to me “Are you ok?” I nodded that I was fine. I had already had my eye out and have located the closest MBTA police. It was so nice of that man to look after me before he left.

“That’s not your train is it? I’d hate to keep you.” says the man next to me. He takes a huge bite of his pizza and closes his eyes to savor it.
“No, that’s not my train. I am heading towards Lowell. They will call it in a few minutes I bet.”
There is a brief silence while he finishes chewing. I look around and everyone’s eyes are on us. As I look around everyone tries to rebury their heads into what they were pretending to do in the first place.
“1:10 Peee Emm train to Lowell now boarding on  track 8” says the loud speaker.
“That’s your train.” He says as I start packing up my things. “Thanks for talking to me. You really made my day. Tomorrow I get my housing and start fresh. Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome. I wish you the very best. I really hope you don’t do what you talked about earlier because I know it will get better for you.”

I walk toward my train and all eyes were on me. I didn’t care. All I can think of was that this guy was probably savoring his pizza as if it was his last meal. I really hope I helped him not want to kill himself. I couldn’t believe it. Someone that was at his wits end sits next to me and spills his guts to me, a perfect stranger. It was eye opening for me. I sat on the train eating my trail mix and sipping my ginger ale in a daze. For some people it really comes down to taking their own lives. This economy needs to hurry up and get back on track because people are starting to lose hope.

Remember, no matter how bad you think you may have it, someone else probably has it much worse. There is always light at the end of the tunnel and there is always sunshine after rain!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Gentle Giant Flirts on the Platform

This morning as I wait for the Orange line to pick me up, I am standing once again behind the Gentle Giant on the platform. (I am starting to understand the meaning of the movie Ground Hog Day) A girl comes up behind him and grabs his back pack and pretends to throw him on to the tracks. He flips around and says “What’s up?” and laughed. She looks at him doing his Metro Sudoku puzzle and says “Those are so hard. I hate doing those.” He says “Nah, the one’s in the Metro are easy. Too easy sometimes but I like doing them.” And she says “Well, I think the only ones I tried were the really hard ones so I kinda gave up.” He replies “You’re really gonna hate me then. I entered you into a Sudoku competition with me.”

The two of them giggled and laughed on the platform. The train came into the station and as we boarded the train she grabbed his coat to secure a spot next to him. They flirted the whole train ride and he even gave her his Metro and she tried her hand at Sudoku. So cute!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Asante Sana Squash Ba-Mea

The day after the big game and the train is dreary. We lost. Big time… and it shows. People are still ranting about how mad they still are from last night while waiting on the platform. People look glum and hung over. The train arrives a little early and we all board. There is ample seating this morning due to what I assume would be hung over people who just couldn’t drag their sorry butts to work today. I take a seat in a three seater next to a woman who is already against the window. I put a box of cupcakes in the middle seat that I was bringing to the office because I had some left over from last night and quite frankly, if they are in my house, I will eat them. So, the guys at the office got a little treat. As we go through the stops on the train ride a man sees my cupcakes in the middle seat and I see 3 empty seats he could easily sit in but he proceeds to ask me to slide in. I look at him funny because he could have hopped in a three seater with just one person in it and had much more room but he chooses me to squish in next to. I slide in because I am tired and not in the mood to argue. Yes, the people in the other seats are unkempt and look hung over but that isn’t a reason to make me sit with my cupcakes, purse and work bag on my lap next to you buddy. (PS. Had the train been packed, I wouldn’t have minded sitting like this. It just irritated me that there was ample room for him to sit elsewhere and he chose to make me squished)

He whips out his ipad and reads the Wall Street Journal on it. I whip out a tissue from my purse and blow my nose and start coughing. He starts leaning into the aisle to try to get away from me. I see that my tactic is working. I whip out another tissue and start blowing my nose again and this guy grows more and more uncomfortable. He takes out a disinfectant wipe to clean his ipad screen and then antibac’s his hands. He finally gets situated and comfy and I pull out another tissue.

This goes on the rest of the train ride. When we got to North Station, this guy couldn’t get out of his seat fast enough! Here’s some train etiquette, if there a many open seats, don’t make someone squish in because you don’t want to sit with the passed out hung over person. If you pick the wrong person to sit next to and squish in when it’s unnecessary, they just might mess with you… and I did!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Giants Suck!

I found this lovely photo on Universal Hub taken by Rima Chaddha Mycynek of a guy at the Red Line Harvard Square stop! Appropriate for today!! Happy Big Game Day!!! GO PATS!! (Sorry Giants Fans!)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Sprint to the Train Like a Track Star

Last night I had left work and had a feeling I'd be able to catch the 5:10 train home instead of waiting around for the 5:30pm train. I arrive at North Station and have 3 minutes to get off the T, run up 2 flights of stairs, down a hall way and along the sidewalk, through North Station and to the platform. I know that this is possible because I have done it before. The guy behind me decides that I am not going fast enough so this awesome track star grabs my back pack and pulls me out of his way as if we were neck and neck for a gold medal or something. I, of course stumble and get slammed into the wall as he darts past me.

I am pissed but continue running. If I missed my train now, I'd be bull sh*t. I get to the platform to board the train and the track star is in line waiting to get on board. All that ridiculousness of grabbing my back pack and slamming me into the wall really paid off... he is ONE whole spot a head of me. Nice work track star! Karma does pay off though. It's a little easier for woman to get seats on packed trains. I got a seat and he... well, didn't! HUH!!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Meet Shape-Ups Chick!

This woman wears Shape Ups on her feet each and every day for her train commute. It drives me mental. First of all, I hate Shape Ups because every time I see someone wearing them, the person is NOT in shape! Also, studies have proven that Shape Ups have no effect on shaping or toning things up. The only thing it is proven for the shoes to do is make you look like you are ready for take off on your next trip to the moon.

I haven’t seen Shape Ups Chick for a while and because it was winter, I was secretly hoping she had invested in boots instead of those hideous Shape Ups she wears on her feet every day. Paired with her shape ups, she generally has on a pant suit from the 90’s complete with shoulder pads. However, now that it’s winter, I have no idea what she is wearing because she has a full length marshmallow coat covering up her ensemble. Today she must have had on a skirt because her chicken legs stuck out of her puffy coat with nylons, ankle socks and … you guessed it… Shape Ups! Oh it just looks so awkward to me. I don’t get it. Not to mention she has a bad perm and her Coach purse, now that it is getting old, is looking more and more like a fake. You can see tell tail signs of fakeness as it is deteriorating. Real Coach purse handles don’t peal or get stringy!

So ladies take note: Shape Ups don’t do sh*t for your body. Going to the gym and eating right does. And don’t forget, it is never in style to wear a fake! That’s it. End of story!

(This picture was drawn back when she was sporting a leather jacket but you can see how ridiculous she looks)
The below picture was taken candidly today.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Stuck Behind a Gentle Giant

This has never happened to me before in my almost one year of being a train commuter. As I board the T at North Station, I am the second to last one on. The person behind me is rather large and really wants to fit on the train. There is a guy in front of me that is about 6’5” and he is facing me for some reason. This person behind me pushes me in so much that I now have my face buried in this guy’s chest. Thankfully, he is wearing nice cologne. I see him every day so this is obviously awkward. I look up and say “I’m so sorry. There is nothing I can do.” He looks down and goes “No problem. Not your fault.” while giving chubs behind me a mean stare down.

We carry on and stop at Haymarket. No one gets off so we don’t have to move. I was hoping SOMEONE would get off the train so that I could get my face out of this guys chest. I was practically suffocating.

We finally arrive at State and just my luck, minimal people have to get off there which doesn’t help loosen up the crowd. Of course the doors that open on State are the ones that open opposite from where I am. I say “Excuse me.” A few times but no one can see me. I am blocked behind a guy who is 6’5” and he can’t move either!

This guy finally hip chucks someone as he realizes that people from State are starting to board, which means I have no chance at getting off once these people are on. As he hip chucks I scream “Excuse ME!” A path miraculously clears and I am off the T. I almost missed my stop! That has never happened. I mean, I could have gotten off at the next stop but seriously, who wants to do that in the morning?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

This Man Grabs Balls for a Living!

On my way home last night, I hopped on the Orange line at State and was headed to North Station. While getting on, before the doors could even close some guy starts giving another guy attitude “Yo dude. Stop lookin’ at me. You makin’ me feel uncomfortable! Just stop lookin’ yo!”

As we are packed into the train car like sardines are packed in a tin can, the guy who is obviously the one staring, tries to turn in the other direction. As he’s turning this delinquent starts yelling at him again “Don’t touch me. I mean it yo!” OK, now it’s obvious this guy is trying to start trouble because we are packed in like little sardines, it is inevitable that this other guy is going to have to touch you. The poor guy trying to move out of harms way is still trying to get in a space where this delinquent is not near him which is next to impossible but at least he is trying. The delinquent starts getting angrier and louder “Dude, I said stop touching me!!”

The poor little nerd stops dead in his tracks. He clearly doesn’t know what to do. He is like a deer in head lights. Once the delinquent sees that he has ruffled this guys feathers, he jabs a little deeper “Don’t grab your balls! You ball grabber. I swear yo, you are disgusting!”

Little nerd’s face turns bright red. He doesn’t even say a word. Not even trying to defend himself. Everyone on the train is growing more and more uncomfortable and I grab on to my purse for easy access to my pepper spray. If this train didn’t stop soon, this poor little nerd had no shot. Everyone is just looking at the ground so that this punk isn’t egged on. Then he announces to the train with his arms up in the air “This man grabs balls for a living. Ya, this man right here.” And he points to the nerd. The nerd is practically hiding behind a pole, trying to hide his face. Finally, we arrive at North Station and everyone darts off, including the nerd. I over hear on the escalator on the way up “We know you don’t grab balls for a living.” I turned around and the nerd let out a huge sigh of relief. Not only did we know he wasn’t a ball grabber, the delinquent didn’t get off at North Station and stayed on the T.

An uncomfortably awkward ride yes. However, after you know that no one is hurt, you get to let out a smile from the sheer entertainment of it all.