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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Meet Mistress Phone Guy

For a while every morning on my way into the city, I’d some how manage to sit near who I call, Mistress Phone Guy. His phone would ring and he would pick it up and loudly proclaim sweet nothings into it. I would always wonder why on earth would a guy with a wedding band on have to phone in sweet nothings at seven in the morning to his wife that he just left. He did this every day.

I was discussing it over with a friend and she suggested that he was talking to his mistress. Think about it, it’s the only time of the day where he is unaccounted for, yet accounted for. He can tell his wife that train etiquette doesn’t allow for him to talk on the phone. However, if he isn’t in the quiet car and doesn’t mind pissing off a few coffee deprived people, he can chat it up with the mistress and no one would know the wiser.

A few weeks of having to endear rides of sweet nothings, over heard from a few seats over, I hear what I would say is sh*t hitting the fan!

“What do you mean they said they saw us out?” Long pause. “They are going to give my wife a heart attack! This can’t go on! This has to end now…” he goes on loudly in a panicked voice. It seems as though Mistress Phone Guy doesn’t just chit chat with his mistress. He takes her out and now someone he knows has spotted him with her.

The next day I sit down and he isn’t on the phone. I figured he ended things the day before so I can finally read my book in peace. Not the case. His phone rings. He fumbles to pick it up quickly. PS. Who leaves their ring on on the train? Put it on vibrate! Moving on- “Hello?” he answers almost questioning the caller. His face grows furious! “Listen! I told you it was over. We have been spotted and my wife will have a heart attack if she finds out. We weren’t careful enough and now it has to end.” He hangs up the phone and everyone is looking at him like he has six heads. Who is this guy and why is he airing his dirty laundry out on the train in front of strangers?

The phone rings again. “Listen to me! We are OVER! OHHH-VEEE-EEEEE-ARRRE OVER! You got that? If you don’t leave me alone, I will call the police. I mean it!” he hangs up again and the phone rings. He hits ignore.

Mistress Phone Guy has been sulking the last few weeks. I really think once this blows over he will find a new mistress that is “more discrete” but only time will tell.

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